Two Threads

one symptom

2011-07-17T22:51:00.002+01:00

It has been a really interesting week. Deeply transformational. And very simple.

I have been in a process these last months of evaluating my life, and coming to terms with the reality of my career path, and approaching the whole thing differently. Soon my website will be up, soon there will be some timetable changes, etc. But in the process, I have been through some of the difficulty that change brings. Fear and anxiety so strong I shook physically and also manifested as a mentality of scarcity and attachment with a grabbing 'in the supermarket hungry' sort of lack of discrimination. Some incredibly difficult moments of panic deep and gripping inside my belly and heart. Wow. And then physical symptoms, joints that ached red and didn't want to move. Stiffness, hypersensitivity, bad skin, spaciness, etc.

On Monday I decided enough was enough and decided to do a small fast on fruits and vegetables, but mostly juice. Within about 12 hours everything started to shift.

Yes, I think the diet change made a huge difference. (And I think I can start to acknowledge that I am intolerant to wheat.) But in a way food choice was a symptom of the scarcity mentality, that i was deciding not based on what my body wanted, but on what was less expensive. In my case, it doesn't turn into fast food, or processed food. But it does turn into starchy, bready, etc. Food I don't really like, but take because it will fill me up. And sweet things (which I do like) that I eat out of addictive patterns and instant "gratification".

Which is really a metaphor for accepting second best, even accepting that which is toxic in order to save a few pennies. The essence of scarcity mentality.

So choosing to eat veg and fruit was a number of things. Besides being cleansing, it also was an affirmation inside that what is most important is caring for myself, and that I trust in the abundance of the universe to support my health through the food I eat. I chose based on what will feel good, what will be healing and nurturing, there is enough money for good food. There is good healthy food I can eat within my budget.

In a way, the one gesture cleared the symptoms, but went much deeper, into the root of the "i'll just take what is given" mentality. Into the lack of discrimination mentality. Into the not caring for myself well mentality. And that one action seems to have expanded hugely into all areas of my life.

I am very happy to feel physically better. Wow, its an amazing difference. And I know it comes from the food, and what it represents, the choice to nurture and heal myself through my own choices in this life.

What amazes me most is that I had felt so deep in the anxiety, that for weeks I couldn't see how to make the choice to move out of it. I knew it was creating the landscape of my life at the moment, but I couldn't imagine how to shift it. It was just the choice to change one symptom, one little thing, that seems to have cascaded into the very big thing.

Some of the work I am doing now revolves around addressing and changing belief patterns. I guess in one way what I learned is that sometimes the huge shift comes from a very little change. If I fixate on the big picture, I may not know where to go. But maybe I can make a tiny step, or change one tiny thing, and see where that one change leads.
Feels humbling and empowering. Feels like where this is all going.
Thank you for the challenge and inspiration to grow.
Om Tat sat.
Om Shanti.
Peace.

ha-tha yoga

2011-07-15T00:16:00.002+01:00

2.33 When these codes of self-regulation or restraint (yamas) and observances or practices of self-training (niyamas) are inhibited from being practiced due to perverse, unwholesome, troublesome, or deviant thoughts, principles in the opposite direction, or contrary thought should be cultivated.
(vitarka badhane pratipaksha bhavanam)

* vitarka = troublesome thoughts, deviating (from the yamas and niyamas)
* badhane = disturbed by, inhibited by
* pratipaksha = to the contrary, opposite thoughts or principles
* bhavanam = cultivate, habituate, thought of, contemplate on, reflect on

Ha-tha yoga is literally based on the union of opposites. It is the path of union that comes from the merging of the dualities implicit in life. Those dualities can be described as light/dark, inhale/exhale, masculine/feminine, positive/negative, active/receptive, freedom/restraint, up/down, in/out, among many others. In the physical practice we are constantly bringing in opposing energy, activating both the down and the up, the in and the out, the inhale and the exhale to bring ourselves into greater balance, harmony and then eventually union and merger with the universal (bad word, but no word can contain the true meaning).

In the physical practice, each asana contains within it the duality. You cannot do a split, which may be imagined as the extreme of outward projection of flexibility without energy drawing in to contain the stretch of the hamstrings. That's not ture. you can do a split without any energy drawing in. You cannot do Hanumanasana, in the yogic sense without that inward energy. And likely, if you never draw energy in while working at the extremes of flexibility, you will end up injured.

The practice however that Patabjali was referring to was not the physical practice of yoga. It was not hatha yoga specifically at all. It is any form of union. And in such a case, it is not really about the body, at least not specifically about the body.

In this case he is referring to negative thought forms. But as we go deeper into understanding, we dismantle the concept of negative and positive. But what is really important is that to reach the state of union, or balance, when anything is out of balance, we keep it in check with the opposite. We cultivate the opposite in our energy and in our life.

I was teaching the other day, and had arrived just on time for the class. There were no students at the time, which I had anticipated, so I had not left my house early. But knowing my responsibility, I rushed to get to the class, pedaling quite vigorously, and with an anxiety that I would be late. I had a moment to settle, and then students came into the class. About halfway through I felt the energy of the room still in a kind of manic, racey state. This is where the sutra became resonant. We were off balance, wobbling on one leg because we were not grounded. And so after struggling with tree pose, we lay down on the floor, to work with the legs there. Instantly then energy shifted, the breath got deeper, and we all seemed to "land" differently. We worked back up slowly, having deepened into the connection to the legs and feet. The second time around, some minutes later, the tree pose was steadier, the breath was deeper and the entire room was more concentrated and settled.

It is true on the mat, and it is true in life, that as we get out of balance in one direction, it is often helpful to cultivate the opposite. It is not a case of trying to eliminate or create a problem out of the state of imbalance. It is just that we constantly need to be brought back to the centre.

Tree pose is a great example, as is any balancing pose, even Tadasana. When standing, the muscles in the foot, ankle and lower leg are never static. They are constantly shifting and responding to the tiny movements of the body. To maintain balance, we don't fight or resist this process and force rigidity. We let the body naturally balance itself through the activation of opposing energy.

Balance is never static. As I imagine the feelings of union and connection and oneness to be as well. There is a constant "small dance" (a phrase used in contact improvisation) as weight shifts. So as we fall out of balance, in a pose, or in life, the ha-tha of yoga is cultivation of the opposing energy.

vitarka badhane pratipaksha bhavanam
om tat sat.
om shanti.
peace.

thank you

2011-07-01T22:55:00.002+01:00

still this month sitting has been difficult. this morning i had plenty of time, and yet, a 45 minute sit, which a few months ago would have been easy, felt so challenging. just to get through.

today i sat with a kind of sadness in my heart. there is no reason for it, but it is the sensation that arose. it does from time to time, sitting, walking down the street, in my bed at night, in my practice, in the middle of conversation. sometimes it disguises itself as reaction to a circumstance in the life. but i am beginning to see it for what it is, part of my human condition.

today i sat with dear friend lila in the park for a while. she spoke of her own underlying sensation. maybe it is part of many of our experiences in this life. this feeling of separation. we look to heal it, or soothe it, or numb it in so many ways, some with a path of yoga, or meditation, or sport, or art, some with an addiction to drugs, or sex, or activity, some with jobs and ambition, some with painkillers. i am not sure if everyone has it, though i imagine most of us do in varying degrees.

what we spoke of this afternoon, as the heat of the sun beat down, and then abruptly withdrew behind clouds, is the knoweldge that this, whatever it is, this moment, this emotion, this humanness, is no problem. like deeply, truly, really, really, really no problem. for me, that understanding exists on one level, but has not filtered down through the strata of my being to the deepest layers. still when i wake up sad, i want something to make it go away. to heal it, to clear it. i sit, i practice, i look for friends, i make plans. anything.

today i woke up sad, but today i am also not seeking. there is nothing to heal. there is nothing to do. there is nothing to become, to clear, to fix, to understand. today i miss you in my life. but that is because you were a relief. today i ache for love. but that is because love soothes the ache. today i sit in the almost tears.

today i think of a quote i read not long ago. 'people who love the divine go around with a hole inside their hearts. that hole is called the universe.'

there is no problem. so sadness comes, and so does joy. so loss comes, and so does love. so sunshine comes, and so does rain.

thank you. thank you lila, for being and sitting in the sunshine. thank you for your patience with my racing dancing mind. thank you for the mirror to see the challenges i create. and thank you for the power to accept that all this is, and none of it needs to change, to be healed, to be offered, to be anything.

may all beings know peace. may this practice contribute to the well being of all.
om tat sat.
om shanti.
peace.

nervous system

2011-05-28T19:12:00.003+01:00

not sleeping well. not sitting well. hmmm...

I was listening to a lecture by Psychotherapist, Therapeutic Yogi and teacher Bo Forbes this morning. It was about the intersection of yoga and neuroscience. She is very knowledgeable and it is not really for me to reiterate what she has said.

However, what I was reminded of this morning is the interconnection between body and mind, more specifically that when the nervous system is in a state of engagement, the fight/flight/freeze instinct starts to kick in. The way that I notice this is that my mind starts plotting all kinds of strategies, exit strategies, conversations, plans, all kinds of things. I was so distracted by such thoughts this morning that I could not hardly sit.

But what is interesting is I am not practicing my physical yoga well either. Sometimes when I find it hard to sit it is because the body has excess physical energy that needs to be burned off (or so I think) and thus it is hard to sit until that energy is used. In such cases yoga serves as a preparation for meditation.

But right now that is not the case. Physical energy moves on the bike. But, my practice feels weaker than usual, erratic, and unconcentrated. Both the mind and body are in that maniacal state.

It is not all bad. This time is full of planning, imagining, visioning life into existence. And so that positive racing mind is useful, in a way, to those thought processes. But it just won't stop. Or when it does, it screeches to a halt in the form of absolute exhaustion. Not how I really want to be living.

So what the lecture reminded me is that the agitation of the nervous system, even through sitting keeps this energy going. I suppose sitting meditation, for the moment will have to take a back seat to some restorative work, where the body can truly, truly, release and relax.

The other part of this post comes from a reflection on watching a friend prepare for some travels. He is packing his life full of activities, wanting to get just one more session in before he goes, or just do one more workshop, see this person, etc. It struck me that I live like that a lot. Trying to squeeze, trying to hold, not wanting to let one more day go by without, etc. A phrase said to me by a dear old friend came to mind. I said it to him, as I say it to myself, as I say it to you.

You have everything that you need.

And I do. So this evening, tomorrow, bank holiday/memorial day monday will be coming to rest in that knowledge. There is nothing more needed. Energy flows, so I do not need to grasp at it. It comes, it moves, it supports me. I have everything that I need. We all have everything that we need.

Maybe that will allow this nervous system to calm and mind to steady. That would be welcome.
Om Tat Sat.
Om Shanti.
Peace.

Upcoming

2011-05-23T15:35:00.004+01:00

Lots of exciting things coming up, starting with this one. Watch this space.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.
Om Shanti.
Peace.

breathe and breathe again

2011-05-13T18:43:00.001+01:00

I am constantly amazed by how insights in my life are given to me on the yoga mat. And how, as my practice develops physically, so I develop spiritually. What a great gift.

In the last week, I have had the good fortune to practice with some of London’s most advanced yoga practitioners. I have also started to change the pace of my own practice, slowing down to honestly and precisely match movements to the speed of the breath. Both of these experiences have shown me truly what happens when I get into the depth of the breathing pattern. Physical impossibilities become more possible.

But it is not only advancing the asana that interests me. Earlier this week, a series of circumstances left me feeling completely overwhelmed, the bigness of the city and the world and the projects at hand. Feeling slightly fragile, I was overcome with the feeling, “I cannot do this alone”. At first it sort of attached to a need for someone to help me. But after some time, it dawned on me that that feeling, “I cannot do this alone” is when the space for grace enters.

It is when I can truly let universal energy sustain me, not my own supposed strength. This is great trust and great surrender. In that moment, I became deeply present to the way breath, and therefore prana or life force energy come into me, move through me, and emanate from me, without me doing. That breath is the life energy, the sustenance to move, and a power much greater than myself to create on the earth.

I have been doing my yoga practice with a certain depth of breath, and a certain level of muscular effort. I feel generally strong and capable. The realisation was that if breath can get deeper, I don’t need to do quite so much. I don't need to be strong. It is done through me. And with that understanding, I was doing more advanced asana, with greater ease than before.

So it will be my project to explore that depth of breath, the depth of my ability to receive and let go into the energy that flows through me. To let my head, my strength, my drive, all take a rest, and see what unfolds in that deep place.

In my class, I choose a theme for each month. May’s theme has been supporting the heart. What better support than to rest in the great arms of the universe, to let go, to breathe and be held. June will continue this theme, with deeper exploration of the breath, the breath connected to bandha, and the breath connected to presence within the asana practice.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.
Om Shanti.

national unity

2011-05-06T17:28:00.002+01:00

i'm just sayin'...

i know that a royal wedding is a sort of flimsy excuse for flag waving and national unity and pride, but at the moment I much prefer it over a vengeful and only semi-legal assassination.

i'll celebrate love over hate, and peace over violence any day.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.
Stand for peace.
Om Shanti.

the unfolding of lessons

2011-05-03T20:15:00.004+01:00

I am not sure what the theme for May will be just yet, but today, Taurus new moon day, I start by reflecting on April. Being away for half the month at Vipassana, and then Easter, and then this Royal Wedding thing made the month seem very choppy, and very short. So there wasn't really time to develop a theme. If anything it was about quiet. I stopped teaching with music and started working more quietly and subtly in myself. I had to. Vipassana truly broke me down in many ways, including physical, which I only now think I am recovering from. Maybe recovering is not quite the right word, moving through, moving with, adapting to...

So last week in yoga, I had a pretty major energetic release, shaking and trembling deeply, and for a long time. The energy that released had been inside for a while, and still is. But starting to move. So I thought the May theme was going to be about releasing. Softness and space in the musculature to facilitate release into the depth of flexibility. But it doesn't ring true at the moment. Feels like there is something else that I am working on, that came out naturally in classes today.

Amongst the work I did in March were two workshops that both focused on the use of the shoulders. I have been reprogramming my own body, especially in chaturanga, but also in backbends like cobra and camel to really use the shoulder blades on the back in a different way. After working the shoulders on the back into the backbends and eventually into nataragasana, there was this sort of spontaneous meditation image that came.

The heart chakra, the heart itself and the energy it expresses is not located in the front body. It permeates the general area of the centre of the chest as it expresses through the entire mind/body network. And in so doing, it is equally radiant in the back body. But what can come from the back body need not be the same type of energy as what radiates through the front.

If someone were to spontaneously make a gesture to express open-heartedness, they would probably extend the hands forward and open the hands. The quality of an open heart expresses itself in the front body. Nevertheless it is impossible to express this quality without the integrity of the back body, the spine and the musculature of the back.

So as I have been working the shoulders differently, there is a new quality of openness that is possible in the heart centre, a clarity and precision and depth.

The last few weeks have also brought back some of the first spiritual themes that i encountered on my journey. So the image I am using for this month is a great bright moon in the centre of the chest, the back body is like the gravity that connects it to the earth in constant movement. The front body is the bright face that shines its light, both as a mirror for universal energy and as a source itself of pure radiance.

It seems like the right theme now for the month. On May 21 I will lead a workshop with the beautiful and insightful Lizzie McCallum, exploring the themes of unconditional love and open heart through the practice of yoga. meditation and creative practice. So this month will build to that. What a lovely journey to be on.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.
Om Shanti.
Peace.

behind...

2011-04-23T18:22:00.002+01:00

there is so much that has happened in the last few months (i almost wrote 'there is so much that happened in the next few months', which may be some kind of preminition...) so i feel very behind with writing on the blog. Never mind, I will start here from today with some abbreviated reflections on March and April, and then move forward into May. Time feels SOSOSOSOOO FAST at the moment. I am lucky for that.

The theme for March was innocence. So in the practice, I was exploring new ways to warm up, sequence, poses I have not done in a while, or not ever. But really what happened in that month, especially towards the end of the month was so much new information, major changes to the way that I practice, the way that I think, and the capacities I have to heal and work in my life. It's amazing how intention creates reality, and I truly feel like I have been able to approach my patterns with new eyes, deep innocence and therefore greater potential for transformation.

With so much newness, I went straight in Vipassana retreat in early April. I know feel like I am reeling with so much information and connection. It is beautiful and inspiring, wow. And it has been very difficult. So April is a short month, and as AstroZo says, time to integrate and eat brownies. Ok done.

Among the effects of the Vipassana was a deep, deep physical rest. This rest has indeed unwound some of the physical patterns that have shaped my movement for the last... while... So at the moment I feel both deeply week and depleted, like there are no reserves in the tank, but also very liberated from the patterns that were. Maybe in this time emotions, patterns that were constantly re-patterned into my physicality will have a chance to let go. it certainly feels that some have already, and some are on the edge.

So I am deeply thankful for this time of change and emergence. Among the things that I am noticing is that I feel like my brain is learning new thought patterns and is literally rewiring. With that comes a feeling like I am learning to run. Sometimes after a few minutes, i feel a sort of physical fatigue in my mind. Ultimately, learning new ways of thinking, or in this case transcending thinking will be such a gift.

So I am off to train, in the form of a one hour, saturday night meditation. woo hoo. what a life. but I feel so thankful and it is bringing such beautiful learning.

Nice to be back online.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.
Om Shanti, and all my love to all.

little thought

2011-02-27T21:42:00.002Z

i am thinking about the name for my website, which will be done by Easter (now its in writing and public!) and I had the thought:

Yoga is not a noun. It is not a form. It is not a technique.
Yoga is not something you do.

Create a home for yoga in your heart.
Cultivate and tend it.
Be present and watch.

Yoga is something that happens.
Like photosynthesis.
Like the blossoming of a flower.
Like the sun emerging from the clouds,
on a deceptively cold february day.

On teaching

2011-02-26T21:58:00.003Z

I wonder what khalil gibran would write on teaching. this is probably a sacrilege but it is the tone that comes to mind.
here's mine.

On teaching yoga on a saturday morning.

Your students are not your responsibility. Your own energy is your responsibility. Be neither attached to their success, nor distressed by their avoidance. They will receive what is needed when they are ready. It is their path, not yours.

Just as you let lose your words into the studio, so you let your soul. But do not be distressed if the student does not respond. For their own filters cloud their ears, and they may choose not to hear what displeases them.

Stay true to your truth, for even if you amend your statements after learning more, so you will learn more by being true then by censoring.

Do not answer too many questions, but keep asking questions. The student will easily flow forth with their own insight, but leave and make space. Throughout your teaching, create space, spaces for discovery, insight and deep breath. But guide that space with care and precision to lead it to optimal insights.

Worry not for what they may expect, because it is your duty to teach at every moment, not just deliver instructions to a vacuum. The words and instincts you are given are not from you but from the divine, so do not hold back.

Be neither authoritative, nor overly passive. Do not force your own technique nor let the student do whatever he wishes. Do not attach egoistically to your own perspective but do not accommodate the student's ego either.

DO not look at your students for validation or for praise. Make each class an offering and have no attachment to the return. The connection you feel to source is the validation you seek.

Be here now, open yourself to the flow and the flow will guide you. trust both your instinct and you knowledge.
And be grateful, for this is a beautiful job to be given.

Hari Om, Tat Sat.

innocence mission

2011-02-12T22:50:00.002Z

Listening to adyashanti the other day doing my practice, it came that the next theme (after this month of forearm balances) is innocence. More to come on that in words, but in the mean time, I am playing with approaching everything in life, from the ever present overdancing thoughts, to the things I think i know, with the spirit of innocence. Wondering just what is, not what i want or need or am trying to do.

Not do, just wonder.
Nothing but the innocence of love.

New facet of the journey, and big potential.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.
Om Shanti.
A new world is possible.
Peace.

Workshop next week

2011-02-12T22:45:00.000Z

aligning

2011-02-08T21:04:00.003Z

Sometimes I am so precious about blogging, like everything has to be some kind of masterwork before i can post it. This one is not, it is very much about me, in process.

The last few weeks, or years, or lifetimes, i don't know yet, i have been caught in what feels like a whirlpool of thinking. that every time i sit to meditate, or go about my own life, these thoughts become so haunting, that i start to feel debilitated. I feel like I know what I should be doing, but instead get caught in patterns of self destruction, patterns of negative thought, patterns of over thinking. and what it feels like is a shadow of me flying in circles in my head, while another little me is hiding in the bottom of the closet.

I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS. Not eliminate, but not live in this pattern. What I am slowly recognizing is that I have to learn how to love. Love all of it, fully and with the greatest compassion. Love the hiding girl and her voice of fear. Love the flying witch and her insane mutteringsings, love the driven Sagittarian/Capricorn and the double sided Gemini. I don't even fully know what it means to love all these bits. But I know that that love represents coming into wholeness and growing up, and then having the beautiful life that I want.

It's difficult to say these things publicly. Really difficult. They feel big, and right away i can hear the mind chattering saying, how dare you write that. What if people...
But that is part of it. Accepting my vulnerability, and letting you see it too.

Anyway, this post was supposed to be about aligning.

The other day I was sitting at the beginning of a class, with my teacher Ana Forrest, when one of her assistants came and moved my body backwards in the simple sitting (meditative) pose. Ana's comment to me was, "What would it feel like to get your head in alignment with your power?". I suppose this echos something I have been told before, "you act with your head pointing." I think this means the same thing, that the head goes forward, sometimes too the chest and upper body into an ungrounded and over directed, unaligned place.

So I have been doing lots of abdominal work, a la Ana Forrest. I have been also chanting Har. Building the power in the navel centre for that energy to make change. But more than that, I am also learning the role and perhaps art of mental containment.

In yoga it is sort of obvious, a stage of the practice where the mind comes up with all kinds of reasons that you cannot hold this pose anymore, or you really need to repaint your fingernails instead of going to the mat or all kinds of stories that we put in front of actually doing. The class is too early, the class is too late, its too hot, its too crowded, i can't because this, that this that this that and the other. And then at some stage, or for a moment another part says, shhhhh. Go to the mat. Hold the pose, one more breath, just one.
which becomes two
which becomes another day when you woke up extra early
then another week
which becomes the practice.

For me, it goes in waves. There are moments when I feel so clearly and strongly the hushing presence. And there are other times when the mind wanders so completely on its own. And in those wanderings sometimes I forget that it is the other voice, the shhhh voice, the parent voice in the head, that must not hush the mind entirely, but look at it with the greatest love and say, no dear, you cannot have cake for dinner. no dear, you do have to go to school.

I feel like I have confused loving with a kind of self indulgence, really wallowing, that allowed sloppy thoughts, unfinished projects and self sabotage to become a habit.

This month I am working on forearm balances, in my practice and in my teaching. It is showing me many things -
the steadiness of practice needed to build up enough strength to improve
the steadiness of thought needed to maintain balance when it wavers,
the integrity of the body and mind needed to hold my sometimes floppy body as one unit
the sheer enjoyment of the challenge and how joyful it can be to grow.

So i am sitting with the intention of bringing my head heart and navel in line, the mind, the guiding heart and the power to work as one.
Here I am, work in progress.

We close the practice with three times Om to come into Harmony with each other, with all beings and with our own true nature which is divine.

Hari Om, Tat Sat.
Om Shanti.
Peace and that Greatest Love, ever expansive and also containing.

Everything you give with love

2010-12-12T02:17:00.003Z

Last year at this time I was working in a Primary school in North London, predominantly non-English native children, predominantly Muslim, many Turkish, Somali or East African. Still at Christmas, it is tradition to do a Christmas play, a nativity or something like it. What I loved about North Harringay is that they did not insist that the plays be nativities, and in fact chose beautiful plays to put on.

The younger children did a show called Babushka, an adaptation of a Russian folktale, about an older woman who obsessively cleans to fill a hollow place in her heart. She learns from the traveling kings, who ask for rest in her home, and an angel pasing her window that a baby has been born in a dirty stable in Bethlehem, a special child. Mortified at the thought of the child born in a dirty stable, she packs a doll, a blanket and a bottle of cordial as gifts, as well as some cleaning products so she can clean the stable. Following the new and brightest star, she begins her journey.

On the way, she meets a little girl with no toys. To her she gives the doll. She meets an elderly couple weary from their journey, and to them she gives the cordial to drink. And as she is nearing Bethlehem, she meets a shepherd boy who is cold in the night and to him she gives the blanket.

When she arrives at the stables, she has no gift to give the baby Jesus. She almost turns away, when Mary calls to her, and invites her in. Babushka realizes that the baby in the manger has the doll by his side, is sleeping on the blanket, and Mary and Joseph bring her a glass of cordial. The children sing:
"Everything you give with love, you give to him: AMAZING.
Everything you say with love, you say to him: Amazing.
Everything you do with love, you do for him,
because he is love.
Yes, he is Love."

I have been thinking about the practice of bhakti, (practice does not seem exactly like the right word...) and this Christ consciousness, or this true understanding of love, incarnate.

My all time favorite book is Franny and Zooey, by JD Salinger. It to embodies this sense that if we attach to the external, beauty gets parsed into intellectual exercises, the great thinkers reduced to phony ego serving activities. And that even prayer can become that when its intention is not aligned. Franny in the throws of her own mental drama, comes to realize that it is not only through becoming reclusive and praying, or breaking down inside, that she can best serve. And her greatest service was in the actions, for her acting. And that in the moments of doubt, to do it for someone else, someone with little else, is what true inspiration is. Or more accurately, where she can eventually find peace and rest.

Like Babushka, when you make offering to anyone, you give to all. When you act in service of of any one aspect of humanity it becomes manifest in the greater sphere. And like Franny, if you act as service, it aligns you to love in the complete, universal and unconditional kind. We stop separating ourselves and start acting in alignment, both with our own particular role in the human incarnation, and with the entire universal energy.

Its about doing and acting from love. It is about doing what is required now. It is about loving that role.
It is about creating with the christ consciousness of unconditional love, with detachment from return. Or with simple knowing that the urge to keep acting, praying, living, being is the return message. (Rumi)

So this year, at this time, I am meditating and thinking through the messages come through from the universe, through the language ofo the emotions and the heart. What successes are coming, where I feel most aligned and content? Where has love comes through, and given courage? How to not discriminate in my own actions so that they become in service of the highest good of all.

Obey, serve, Love, Excel. Obey, Serve, Love, Excel. Thank you teachers in every form you come, from children's stories, to yoga gurus, to sages disguised as beggars, to messages from the heart.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.
Om Shanti.
Love and Peace to all.

Mighty Ganga

2010-11-05T16:33:00.008Z

I intended to write in my blog in India, but somehow every time I was on a computer, I felt no desire to write. The words came instead from a pen to a private page or in conversation. But now, as time goes on, I think some of the stories have to be told in this form. The form of making meaning out of experience and putting it into written word, and making them public. Please forgive if this is all very abstract or doesn't all fit yet. At the moment this is just me trying to make some sense of it all.

Instead of just traveling alone, I joined a group yatra for the purpose of traveling to Badrinath, a sacred town and temple in the Himalaya. In my mind this pilgrimage was one of the main points of my travels, a special darshan, prayer and offering I wished to give. So leading up to that journey, I made a number of choices, let go of other opportunities to make that trip with that group of people.

We left Haridwar on the road to Badrinath on Yom Kippur. It was too late in the day, bound by the need to eat in clean places, we waited until after lunch to set out. By evening we were nowhere near the intended destination of Rudraprayag. In fact we had only made it about 30 km past Rishikesh, up the road to a small town/rafting drop off point/intersection of power lines called Kaudiyala. We took rooms in a hotel shaped like a motel, with doors and porches just a few meters away from the Ganga's edge. Those of us observing broke our fast on the porch next to the river with fruit, incense, Indian perfume and a Shabbat candle. We then ate dinner in the dhaba by the road. The water was already high as the monsoon was heavy and lasting deep into September, and quickly flowing in the rains. We went to bed early, preparing to continue driving early the next day.

At about ten o'clock there came a knock on the door, pounding really. 'Pack up your things. The water is rising.' We made our way uphill to the dhaba, as the Indians packed up the televisions and other movable valuables from the rooms. The water rose quickly, reaching up to the porches of the rooms. As we stood and looked out, one man says, 'Now she turns to Rudra'. (Rudra
In ancient Vedic myth, Rudra is the malignant god of storm and wind, and is also considered the god of death. He is the personification of the uncultured nature, the symbol of unculturedness.) The angry, the howler. The dark face. The raw and uncontrollable. It was an incredible sight, the water rising. Rudra perhaps, to some, but I couldn't help thinking of the bible, Job and the tests sent repeatedly. I couldn't help think of the Sea crashing over the heads of the Egyptians, or Jonah in the belly of the whale. This is the God that can send plagues to a civilization, the God who can flood the world, and take first born sons. This is the God we pray to out of fear, hoping for the sparing hand, the easy transit, the peaceful life. When this God comes out we cry and beg, "why, God, Why? WHY have you forsaken me?"

These are our prayers like a pleading child, the God we look to like a punishing parent. We plead our case, 'I have prayed this much...' or 'I must have earned...' or we curse ourselves or our circumstances. We beg like children at the hems of our mothers dresses: I want a sweet, I want a toy, I want, I want, I want...

Of course, there is no great prayer bank in the sky, where we can withdraw our prayer merits when the going gets tough. And of course the great universal workings are beyond what we can comprehend. The fires that burn houses, burn the parasites from trees, the floods deposit fresh minerals, the destruction gives way to new life. Here she is the mighty flowing river bursting her banks till she rises up to our feet, over the bushes, up to our lamp posts. This great force washes down the mountainside, smashing the statue we built for the very purpose of remembering that God is always here. God will always be here. And yet now we cry out that she is forgetting us, or in our way!

My God did trouble the water, the water rising angry to the edges of the road, and cracking through the rock, tearing down the side of the mountain. What I don't know is if this is a test, of strength and perseverance, or faith, or some other 'lesson' wrapped up in an event.

At the moment, I am struggling with the idea that everything happens for a reason, as I feel that it personifies God. Destruction is part of the cycle of life, but is it predetermined by a plan? Meaning is overlaid after by our reflection and the wisdom gained from hindsight and the knowledge that life has gone on despite the challenges and suffering endured. A lesson has been learned, or some other unexpected benefit has arisen despite the 'failure' of the intention that we had set. But was that meaning always in the event when it came?

On the road down from Dharmashala to Chakki Bank, there are many tiny temples, sometimes just a painted rock or two, along the sides of the road and the sides of the rivers. All these little reminders that God is present, and to be praised in all her forms. When we see this rock we remember him (usually Shiva) and offer and pray. It is easy where the flowers grow, or a stream pours out of a mountain. But sometimes nature's face turns to overpowering might, the stream you bathed in rushes and destroys the structures you built, washes clean away all those earthly possessions. Even the spiritual desires are not spared, your wishes to reach the mountain, to see the temple, to make the offering. For all you can see is your own small desire, the sweet you crave. You can't see that this is so much bigger than you.

God is intelligence, but not intelligent, and presents us with challenge, setbacks, floods and broken roads. But not intentionally, to teach us as a parent would, but because that is nature, creation, sustenance and destruction, all the time. In this is how teaching arises, how wisdom unfolds, and that is the nature of the exchange between the human and the world.

That is, if there were a separation between me and not me. Which there is not. This flood itself is empty of meaning. The challenge arises not from the flood, but within me, and exists only because I hold this goal in mind. It only is reasonable if I make it have reason, and learn and grow from what is presented. The test of faith is that I need my faith to give sense to what is senseless, I need a bigger picture, I need something to hold onto while forms come and go.

I look on the swirling, brown waters, the trees and plants whipped by the power, the torrent of rain and the swirling current. God did not cause that, God is that. She is the vikalpa and the sankalpa, the intention and the obstacle. She is the teacher and the lesson, she is the river, the mountain, the flower, the drive in my heart, the sadness in the loss.

To pray then is to accept, to surrender, and to love. It is to meet the challenge with the detached awareness of what is given at this moment, and what I do with it is only what I can do. If tomorrow I awake to the sun and the repaired road and the magic of the temple, I must still remember that God is no closer than she would be if there is no road and no where to go. Its not that Because the intelligence is the journey and the changes we must endure if the journey is to make us grow. Because the consciousness is the light that illuminates the darkness of separation: the thinking that an object is somehow separate from me. This is a test because i am still wanting to get somewhere and seeing forms as reality, and seeing a geographical place as the goal of my travels. In that way the river is not a river, but a fickle guardian of the temple, or an obstacle in the way.

So I bow to pray. Not to get through to the other side. Not to reach the promised land. Not to intercede and give me my way. I pray to as an act of connection, a union of my own consciousness to the divinity in all things. I pray because there is no separation, and the act of loving what is in all her forms is an act of unconditional love for my self. Not my personality, but soul, which is divine itself.

It is the act of love that matters, the co-creation and the humility. Maybe in the prayers, the forms will be burnished until they shine only the divine light. Maybe in the act of loving, the resistance will fall away. maybe in the dark of this storm, the light of consciousness might bring me clarity, humilty and the deepest recognition that I am that.

I did make it to Badrinath, in a Jeep that took 12 hours from Rishikesh to reach the town. In my finest mountain clothes, I went to the temple at dawn, made my offerings and prayers, sat next to the sages and pilgrims, honoured the ancestors, looked to the mountains and the valleys and bowed my head. To the divine in all things, I bow. To the teacher that takes me from darkness to light, I bow. And life is the great teacher. Thank you mountains, thank you river, thank you roads, thank you rains, thank you driver, thank you eyes, thank you heart. Thank you love for all that is given and for teaching me that all is one.

Hari om, tat sat.
Om Shanti.
I love you.

A very thorny month

2010-08-10T10:16:00.003+01:00

July is like a blackberry bush. Or, maybe this july was a blackberry bush.

The theme for July was making space. Coming out of June which focused on energy consolidation for power, the opening to length and grace, within the body and within the practice was the energy I began cultivating. There were many great lessons that happened this month, in those two threads, on and off the mat. There were more emotions and depths of emotions that I have never felt before. There were also more stars than I have seen in a long while.

Early in the month, I went to a class in which the teacher suggested (during warrior two) that the body should be hard on the outside and soft on the inside. I found this image very difficult to relate to, besides that I was not sure how to achieve it, and decided I had to disagree with that image and think through the strength aspect of the postures in a different way. I notice in my students that if they think 'hard' the body stiffens. When I look at the hands or arms, in say warrior 2, the energy blocks in the extremities. The muscles over grip and bind the energy inward. Besides being inefficient energetically, this pattern reinforces the stress patterns in the life. As the muscles harden around the bones, the arms become heavy, so the muscles work harder, so everything descends into struggle and strain.

There is another way possible. I have been working more with lunges these last weeks than warrior two, so the arms extend straight up from the shoulders. Instead of holding the arms, what if they are tossed up towards the sun? Not pulled (which tends to draw the shoulders up), not reaching (which encourages a sort of exteriority which I am not opposed to but just not exactly working with at the moment), and certainly not held. As the arms toss up into the space, it is like the energy from within can fountain up. But it also makes incredible space for the great energetic boomerang to allow energy to flow back in. If I release what my arms hold in them, then they become like antennae to heaven drawing energy back in. Arm bone floats in shoulder joint and holding the arms for longer becomes more ease-y.

Of course these images work for 5 breath, 8 breath, 10 breath postures in a vinyasa practice. But the end of the month saw the Kundalini festival with meditations for 11, 22, 31 or 62 minutes often with the arms involved. The question is, do the same principles apply?

One of my recent practices has been the Reverse Adi Shakti Kriya or the Kriya for Self Love.

http://www.pinklotus.org/KY%20KRI/KRI%20KY%20kriya/Reverse%20Adi%20Shakti%20Kriya.pdf

I will spare re-articulating the entire kriya. In the Kriya the right arm is held above the head for 11 minutes. The breath pattern is slow deep breath building up to a one minute breath: 20 second inhale, 20 second hold, 20 second exhale. I practiced the kriya a number of times, and the image that helped me stabilize the arm above the head is that the hand is resting on the auric field. It is not held up in space, but resting on the energy. The slow deep breathing creates the sense that the body and the auric field are expanding and thus the hand rests easily. Then one time I forgot to consciously practice the breathing pattern. The arm felt like lead after a few short minutes. What it showed me was that the image of making space within allows the body to find the energy to support itself (or be supported) without holding. The musculature of the body becomes like sails in the wind. The amount of tension, as determined by the body positioning or energetic investment in the pose can effect how much energy the body can catch and then carry itself with.

There came another great lesson however this month from the 3 day White Tantra practice. The meditations were all either 31 or 62 minutes, with a partner, either looking into the eyes or eyes closed but holding the space between. For one, the ordinary Anjali Mudra (prayer pose) was joined together: so my hand, his hand, my hand, his hand. Anjali Mudra is fairly effortless as a pose individually. As we put our hands together, I could feel the work and effort of trying and holding the hands up coming in. As we held the position 62 minutes, this became quite tiring. It was my practice to keep making space within myself, to make my hands as light as possible, to let them float so there would be no need to hold and bind the hands in the air. What flooded into me was the sense of love. That loving is not holding onto, or holding up, but making space for. That love is feeling the struggle and channeling it through, not taking it on. That love is bearing witness to all that comes, from the resistances and griping, to the fear and shutting down, to the release and all its bliss. And the love is trusting being held, trusting the energy to be there so that you don't need to make it and force it, knowing it is within you at all times if you can let go enough to let it move itself.

July was a very thorny month. In my own process of making space, I uncovered deep rage, resistances to people, blockages in my heart, throat, intuition. Hatred for my own body and resistance to movement at all. And yet the movement came in. And the deep breath started to ache to expand more. And the love of the dear soul family tapped gently at the hearts walls. And it all started to move. I think I have understood for myself why the Reverse Adi shakti is for self love, because as we make space within ourselves for all that is when we become loving. That love need not be fixed to anyone or anything. It is suspending judgment and giving permission. Making space within is the act for me of self love. So July was a blackberry bush, with thorns and pains, but as the wind blew in, and I reached down, I ended up with the sweetness of the berries in the summer sun.

Hari Om, Tat Sat.
I am grateful for all the lessons this life and love in my life.
Peace to all, Light to all, Love to all.

Jumps for June

2010-07-01T22:06:00.003+01:00

I am so CORNY, I can't believe. But yes, here it is, the wrap up from jumps for June, our great theme of the month in my classes. Some really interesting things happened in my teaching and in my practice. What started as an exploration of lightness in the practice, of bandha and jumps forward and back became an exploration of the lower triangle of energy centres, root, sacral and naval chakras. In the practice it looked like the ha-tha of the openness and connection of hips, inner legs and mula bandha, and lower abdominal muscle wall. It looks like Titthibhasana, drawing in to lift up. It looks like deep straddles with pelvic and abdominal contractions like agni sara. It looks like I need rootedness with my hip opening, and flow with consolidation. It feels like power in the base to elevate to higher consciousness. It feels like I know what might come next.

So as June was consolidation in the lower triangle, July will be about making space, creating length.

Here is a flow as it came tonight:
This body. this space, this universe.
This site of interconnection.
This life energy pulsing.

This potential, this flow. In and out. In through body spaces and out through pores, that almost nonexistent boundary between you and all. It pours in, it seeps out.
This is life, this flow. This is space. This is you, which is not fixed but ever dynamic, ever potential, ever spacious if you feel its vastness.

Your body is a universe of space. Light years of space.

Feel yourself breathing into that space. breathing to expand that space. In this space you are completely yourself. without the limits of labels and thoughts, projections and identifications.

Take a moment to reflect on anything in your life that stops you from being exactly and completely yourself, and question whether you can move it, gently. in this space, nothing is permanent, nothing is fixed. We are dynamic and every changing, moment to moment, day to day, year to year. So what can be moved now, in this moment to create more space for you, yourself, that spirit, that Atma to make itself present and alive in this life.

This is my intention for July; length and space and truth and light. The long days of summer, the letting be, the letting grow. The who am I in all I do.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.

Camel Pose

2010-05-24T16:40:00.002+01:00

Here is an article I have written about Camel Pose for Yoga Abode.
Hari Om Tat Sat.

www.yoga-abode.com/practice/camel_pose_ushtrasana

on creativity (or the wisdom that helped me stop pursuing dancing)

2010-05-09T16:21:00.003+01:00

Since I was very young, dancing was the deep love of my life. It was central to my childhood and adolescence, and I developed the longing for it to be my profession. Especially since transitioning from ballet to contemporary dance, I though of my dancing as my artistry, and therefore my creativity.

What happened to me in the world of professional dance was that the energetic return on my energetic investment (to put it crudely) were never equal. Working for months on a project that got performed 3 times. Working unpaid, and missing other work. Doing shows that ended with nothing to show for them, not even photos or decent videos. Because of my identification of creativity and output, if the work didn't go anywhere, it invalidated me as a creative human being. Instead of feeding and nurturing and bringing joy to my life, the whole process became thankless and painful.

What I have come to understand is that being a creative human being has nothing do to with output. (The gesture here is like holding a round loaf of bread between the heart and navel centres)-> I am a creative person. You are a creative person. We all are creative beings. That is within us, and always will be. Artistic output is a separate quality than creativity, though it can at times be an indicator of creativity. Creativity is a quality of being, output is a result of action. At times it is difficult to dissociate those two, but with understanding that I am not what I do, it is completely possible to be creative in my existence (as all beings are) without producing any tangible results.

The other part of what I have learned, and what has made me let go of the profession of dance is that the energy was not supporting it. I (as in my ego that needed validation) was making work (often from my head pointing to some goal). I had dreams of recognition, "success", rockstardom. But there was not the energy to create that (neither my own, nor the universal energy). And so it had to be me motoring something forward, even when signs from withing me and without pointed to the ultimate futility of this way of operating. Or course when the ego which needs validation is put forward and fails to receive that validation, the pain is immense. As it was. As was the stress in the process.

What I am realizing now, and these written words are a part of it is my creative self likes expression, in written word, conversation and teaching, in movement and in yoga, in music made and heard. T/his expression need not be shared, but can be if that's where spirit leads. At the moment, I am playing lots of music, purely from the joy and beauty of sharing. I am writing not knowing who will read, and not caring but because there are thoughts in me that are longing for form. From that place, the energy is being created to play more, write more. Different possibilities are arising. But it is not through me doing anything but remaining open. And at the moment, it feels right to continue with them, because they are further opportunities to share the beauty that I feel playing, practicing and living.

I hold no illusions of an outcome, especially where music is concerned. I have no hope. All I know is that I am being supported in the expression, something that I have not felt when dancing for a long time if ever. And I know that if that energy reaches its finishing point, its peak or a place where it is no longer supported, it will end gracefully.

Creativity pervades. It is as essential as Atma, the eternal self, indeed it is a facet of that self. Output or manifestation can be a natural expression of that self, or it can be the ego. So for now, I have no eye to the future, I am just enjoying the connection of creativity to that soul within. I sing, I teach, I practice from that place. And in that I am touched by deep grace.

All my love and gratitude for these words that flow, this song that sings, this yoga that teaches.
Hari Om Tat Sat.

The rise and rise of yoga for kids | Yoga Abode

2010-04-21T22:23:00.001+01:00

The rise and rise of yoga for kids | Yoga Abode

Posted using ShareThis

exodus

2010-03-28T22:08:00.002+01:00

The full moon is tuesday, and the passover holiday. i haven't got any matzah and though I live amongst the Hasidim in Stamford hill, I feel like I am going to miss out on this holiday again this year. it is a reminder of distance from home and family, and for that i am a little sad. More than a little. I also feel the loss of this connection to my own history, and the breakdown of tradition. I suppose that is not all bad, but in the case of Pesach, I do feel like it is a loss.

As I reflect on the concept of Exodus this year, I cannot help but think of the huge changes that have happened in my life between these last two passovers. Last year, I was dancing a bit, but not really enjoying it anymore. I had a performance of sorts on the night of the first seder, and did not do the seder because of the show. I eventually regretted that, wished I had said my truth, and changed the time of the performance to facilitate the holiday. never mind. this year, i am well and truly alone, having gone through an exodus of sorts of my own. Have I reached the promised land, I do not know. I think the promised land is the fiction that keeps us moving somewhere, the illusion we must break down.

Exodus in theory represents the forces for change and the forces that resist change in every being. (by being, I mean entity. That is person, family, society, i suppose I don't know much about animals or amoeba, but i imagine that they have similar traits as well). Lucky are those of us who have a Pharoah outside of us to represent that resistence, because more often I believe that force comes from within. No matter how bad it is, somewhere inside is that part that says better the devil I know. At first he says yes, go. Get out. Move on. But then no. And every time comes the message, you cannot stay here. this is not the right thing. Growth must come, some way, some how. The cows die, but you resist and try to stay. The locusts come. But then comes the turning point, when enough is enough. This cannot be any more. But that force will chase us into the desert, that shadow, that part that says "stay enslaved. you are safe there. you know your place. you are needed. you belong." and then it takes a miracle. That magical door that only opens when you know you cannot look back. That red sea parting, that cross to the promised land. Again, lucky are the few whose demons are washed into the water. Lucky are those with a sea between them and the past that they cannot cross back over. and lucky are those who do not recreate their servitude on the other side of the waters.

So this passover, Looking back it has been a year, perhaps two of exodus(es). Personal, Social, Political. I have shed many things that were not serving my growth, painfully, dramatically, tragically and also beautifully. I have started to make moves forward, baby steps, towards living in a different way. Without the omnipresent fear. With aims that are bigger and more universal. In that I am aiming for a great parting of the seas, a great miracle to lead to wholeness, expansion, to be in the flow of life, which for me is living in the promised land.

Oh my soul, give me the light, show me the path. Give me the excellence and beauty to be bountiful, blissful, kind, compassionate and true to myself.
Hari Om Tat Sat.

February Love

2010-02-22T14:22:00.005Z

I am not sure why, beside the obvious Valentines day 'holiday', but February seems to have taken on the role of the month of Love Awareness. The thematic of love seems to permeate our conversations, and certainly yoga classes, with many back bend themed classes appearing as 'heart openers' in this month. And though I do agree that backbends open the heart, there is a lot more at play in the practice of backbends than opening the heart. Similarly with love, the depth of the experience is heart centred, but then so much deeper with unfolding experience.

My teaching practice is my own best teacher, and this weekend, I had the opportunity to work with my favorite ever yoga student/teacher (we shift roles so fluidly between the two) who also happens to be my mother. I went to a few backbend focused classes, which I always find inspiring in my own body. What remains ever clearer to me is that if focused on opening the heart only, or bending the back only, a backbending practice will be short lived, either leading to limitations and discomfort or injury. In order for that practice there are other integral elements to the journey.

The first is grounding. The heart of course holds fear as well as love, fear which can be observed in one of two ways. The first are fears of the unknown, the unfamiliar, fears of letting the body or spirit journey into places it has not been. The second are fears that are signals from the body saying 'I am not strong enough,' 'I do not have my weight organized in the right way,' 'I do not have the resources to move into this safely.' etc. Backbends can bring up both of these fears. The natural fear of what we cannot see, what is behind us is a fear of the unfamiliar. On the other hand the fear of depth is often present because there is not the base level strength in the body to support the body moving into the backspace. Both of those fears can be worked through through grounding, activation of the feet, legs, thighs as the foundation for maintaining the body, the earthing that allows opening to happen safely and confidently.

The second is space. When one thinks only of moving backwards into backbends, generally it turns more into a crunch, with the lower back creasing and the upper back and shoulders going along for the ride, and then with the neck crunching back. The ego can feel quite satisfied by this situation, because the eyes send the signal that the backbend is deep, given that they are straining to extend away from the chest, chin, throat. This is where backbends lose their longevity. The fundamental principle to making the backbend safe is the space in the spine which allows the vertabrae to move along each other, rather than folding which pinches them against each other. As tailbone/sacrum and cervical spine/occiput move away from each other linearly first, the entire spine has the space to extend, from which the deep arc the full back 'bend' (which is not really a bend at all but an extension of the front surface/central facet of the spine) is possible. Deep back bends do appear as bends, with the tailbone and crown moving toward each other. The space allows the heart, which correlates to that internal/posterior side of the spine to open.

The third is growth. Following from the aspect of space, as we hold in the minds eye the feeling of extension and growth we create the space in the front body that the back body need not collapse on itself. We grow into extension as a great tree, as much as we grow up we grow down. But more than that, growth implies dierctionality and intention. So with the space we have created and the rootedness of the body, we can start to pull and lengthen even more deeply. Especially in the abdomen, as we collect and lengthen the ribs away from the pelvis, the linear elasticity of the flesh of the belly is activated. with the intention of growth, the transverse abdominals and psoas retain support, while the external surfaces stretch.

The last aspect of the moment is surrender. Oh my soul give me the light. My light.
This is an amazing surrender, because it requires us to trust our light, or radiance. if we hold within and lock down, in the ribs or throat or neck, the backbend becomes unattainable. We must face the fear of our own light, our own radiance and these oft protected places, the heart, the throat, the fronts of the hips open to incredible lengths.

But February is not about a backbend but about love, and my little life is doing some amazing teaching about the nature of love in this last year. Funny, or perhaps telling, that every aspect I see in the backbends is the same qualities needed in love.

Grounding. Space. Growth. Surrender.

As above, so below. Yoga on the mat, yoga off the mat.
What a gift it is to be alive.
Hari Om Tat Sat.
Om Shanti.

Peace Piece

2010-01-25T22:40:00.001Z

Today was a particularly inspired class. I will try to articulate something here, knowing that this is memory of a moment in time that was given, so it will never have the same resonance as it did when it flowed through. Never mind, it will be its own flow.

The darkest depths of the ocean, the outer reaches of the atmosphere, the hottest rumbling volcano and the cold plain of the arctic.
this is your aura, this is your field.
the entire earth is within you, and you are within it.

so too the entire scope of emotions. the darkest depths of sorrow, the expanse of joy, the hottest fires of anger and the deep peace of awareness.
this is all in you. every moment, every breath, you contain all and all contains you.

Take these moments of stillness for we are thirsty for them. Let whatever is inside you, let it come let it be, let it go.

you must know yourself, deeply and truly. you must not deny any facet of your existence. the road to spirit starts here, with the deep experience of yourself truly, living, truly alive, truly existing in the polarities and the in betweens, in the shadow and in the light. You are alive with energy, vibrating,
fluttering,
radiating,
swirling,
itching,
destabilizing,
fluctuating.
whatever it is that comes, let it come, let it be, let it go.
this is the path to our deeper awareness. it starts with deeply facing all that is in this self, in this life. it ends with deeply facing all that is in this self, in this life. there is nothing else.
whatever reflected in the mirror of the body; let it come, let it be, let it go.
whatever reflected in the wheel of life; let it come, let it be, let it go.

inhale deeply. exhale fully. inhale deeply, exhale fully. stretch through your fingers as you open your hands, and your heart to this life and all that it is.

Shanti, Shalom, Salaam, Paix, Peace.
Hari Om Tat Sat.
All my love.
And Good night.

Two Threads, an introduction

2010-01-09T22:57:00.000Z

Two threads was the name for a blog I chose a while ago, thinking it would be about a performance that I was then working on. The blog never took off then, and neither did the show. The name seemed right though for me at this moment, thinking about weaving together the threads of my current life, education and yoga, and how that will ultimately resolve into one larger integrated picture. The two threads, like the ida and pingala nadis interplay through this journey. Eventually what will be revealed is that central chord, sushumna, where the two energies interplay, carrying energy from root source to infinite expression.

Yoga on the mat is a dance of energy, where it moves into form. My practice is feeling deeply into this body while moving through the forms of hatha vinyasa and the forms of kundalini practice. Here in this body, I weave the two threads the detail and the freedom, the external technique and the internal play. On the mat, the hands rise, these feet ground, this navel consolidates, this heart radiates. I sail on the four winds and find unity with each breath. Hands together in front of heart, palm to palm, the two hands each holding and feeding the other. I lean towards the great divine. The great divine supports back. I weave the threads to make one.

Yoga off the mat is the dance of energy where it moves out of form. My practice is to surf through the ocean of experience where challenge meets ease, where fear battle love, and love bows in return. This morning I wake up to a journey where I move forward and the world moves back. This evening I question and get no answer back. There is no hand to grip, no form to hold onto, no signpost, no measuring stick. I lean in with trust that I am held. I cry in the fear of the dark. And take another small step.

Two threads is the beginning of a new journey. The yoga of writing. The yoga of teaching. The yoga of yoga. The yoga of everyday life. There is no difference of course between what is on and off the mat. There is no mat, there is no yoga, there is no spoon. Nevertheless, in this human existence there is the great fear, the great sadness, the great uncertainty and illusion of separation that clouds true understanding. I am writing to share, and writing to understand all that is, all that I am, all that I fear and all that I love.

Hari Om Tat Sat.