It has been a really interesting week. Deeply transformational. And very simple.
I have been in a process these last months of evaluating my life, and coming to terms with the reality of my career path, and approaching the whole thing differently. Soon my website will be up, soon there will be some timetable changes, etc. But in the process, I have been through some of the difficulty that change brings. Fear and anxiety so strong I shook physically and also manifested as a mentality of scarcity and attachment with a grabbing 'in the supermarket hungry' sort of lack of discrimination. Some incredibly difficult moments of panic deep and gripping inside my belly and heart. Wow. And then physical symptoms, joints that ached red and didn't want to move. Stiffness, hypersensitivity, bad skin, spaciness, etc.
On Monday I decided enough was enough and decided to do a small fast on fruits and vegetables, but mostly juice. Within about 12 hours everything started to shift.
Yes, I think the diet change made a huge difference. (And I think I can start to acknowledge that I am intolerant to wheat.) But in a way food choice was a symptom of the scarcity mentality, that i was deciding not based on what my body wanted, but on what was less expensive. In my case, it doesn't turn into fast food, or processed food. But it does turn into starchy, bready, etc. Food I don't really like, but take because it will fill me up. And sweet things (which I do like) that I eat out of addictive patterns and instant "gratification".
Which is really a metaphor for accepting second best, even accepting that which is toxic in order to save a few pennies. The essence of scarcity mentality.
So choosing to eat veg and fruit was a number of things. Besides being cleansing, it also was an affirmation inside that what is most important is caring for myself, and that I trust in the abundance of the universe to support my health through the food I eat. I chose based on what will feel good, what will be healing and nurturing, there is enough money for good food. There is good healthy food I can eat within my budget.
In a way, the one gesture cleared the symptoms, but went much deeper, into the root of the "i'll just take what is given" mentality. Into the lack of discrimination mentality. Into the not caring for myself well mentality. And that one action seems to have expanded hugely into all areas of my life.
I am very happy to feel physically better. Wow, its an amazing difference. And I know it comes from the food, and what it represents, the choice to nurture and heal myself through my own choices in this life.
What amazes me most is that I had felt so deep in the anxiety, that for weeks I couldn't see how to make the choice to move out of it. I knew it was creating the landscape of my life at the moment, but I couldn't imagine how to shift it. It was just the choice to change one symptom, one little thing, that seems to have cascaded into the very big thing.
Some of the work I am doing now revolves around addressing and changing belief patterns. I guess in one way what I learned is that sometimes the huge shift comes from a very little change. If I fixate on the big picture, I may not know where to go. But maybe I can make a tiny step, or change one tiny thing, and see where that one change leads.
Feels humbling and empowering. Feels like where this is all going.
Thank you for the challenge and inspiration to grow.
Om Tat sat.
Om Shanti.
Peace.
Sunday 17 July 2011
Friday 15 July 2011
ha-tha yoga
2.33 When these codes of self-regulation or restraint (yamas) and observances or practices of self-training (niyamas) are inhibited from being practiced due to perverse, unwholesome, troublesome, or deviant thoughts, principles in the opposite direction, or contrary thought should be cultivated.
(vitarka badhane pratipaksha bhavanam)
* vitarka = troublesome thoughts, deviating (from the yamas and niyamas)
* badhane = disturbed by, inhibited by
* pratipaksha = to the contrary, opposite thoughts or principles
* bhavanam = cultivate, habituate, thought of, contemplate on, reflect on
Ha-tha yoga is literally based on the union of opposites. It is the path of union that comes from the merging of the dualities implicit in life. Those dualities can be described as light/dark, inhale/exhale, masculine/feminine, positive/negative, active/receptive, freedom/restraint, up/down, in/out, among many others. In the physical practice we are constantly bringing in opposing energy, activating both the down and the up, the in and the out, the inhale and the exhale to bring ourselves into greater balance, harmony and then eventually union and merger with the universal (bad word, but no word can contain the true meaning).
In the physical practice, each asana contains within it the duality. You cannot do a split, which may be imagined as the extreme of outward projection of flexibility without energy drawing in to contain the stretch of the hamstrings. That's not ture. you can do a split without any energy drawing in. You cannot do Hanumanasana, in the yogic sense without that inward energy. And likely, if you never draw energy in while working at the extremes of flexibility, you will end up injured.
The practice however that Patabjali was referring to was not the physical practice of yoga. It was not hatha yoga specifically at all. It is any form of union. And in such a case, it is not really about the body, at least not specifically about the body.
In this case he is referring to negative thought forms. But as we go deeper into understanding, we dismantle the concept of negative and positive. But what is really important is that to reach the state of union, or balance, when anything is out of balance, we keep it in check with the opposite. We cultivate the opposite in our energy and in our life.
I was teaching the other day, and had arrived just on time for the class. There were no students at the time, which I had anticipated, so I had not left my house early. But knowing my responsibility, I rushed to get to the class, pedaling quite vigorously, and with an anxiety that I would be late. I had a moment to settle, and then students came into the class. About halfway through I felt the energy of the room still in a kind of manic, racey state. This is where the sutra became resonant. We were off balance, wobbling on one leg because we were not grounded. And so after struggling with tree pose, we lay down on the floor, to work with the legs there. Instantly then energy shifted, the breath got deeper, and we all seemed to "land" differently. We worked back up slowly, having deepened into the connection to the legs and feet. The second time around, some minutes later, the tree pose was steadier, the breath was deeper and the entire room was more concentrated and settled.
It is true on the mat, and it is true in life, that as we get out of balance in one direction, it is often helpful to cultivate the opposite. It is not a case of trying to eliminate or create a problem out of the state of imbalance. It is just that we constantly need to be brought back to the centre.
Tree pose is a great example, as is any balancing pose, even Tadasana. When standing, the muscles in the foot, ankle and lower leg are never static. They are constantly shifting and responding to the tiny movements of the body. To maintain balance, we don't fight or resist this process and force rigidity. We let the body naturally balance itself through the activation of opposing energy.
Balance is never static. As I imagine the feelings of union and connection and oneness to be as well. There is a constant "small dance" (a phrase used in contact improvisation) as weight shifts. So as we fall out of balance, in a pose, or in life, the ha-tha of yoga is cultivation of the opposing energy.
vitarka badhane pratipaksha bhavanam
om tat sat.
om shanti.
peace.
(vitarka badhane pratipaksha bhavanam)
* vitarka = troublesome thoughts, deviating (from the yamas and niyamas)
* badhane = disturbed by, inhibited by
* pratipaksha = to the contrary, opposite thoughts or principles
* bhavanam = cultivate, habituate, thought of, contemplate on, reflect on
Ha-tha yoga is literally based on the union of opposites. It is the path of union that comes from the merging of the dualities implicit in life. Those dualities can be described as light/dark, inhale/exhale, masculine/feminine, positive/negative, active/receptive, freedom/restraint, up/down, in/out, among many others. In the physical practice we are constantly bringing in opposing energy, activating both the down and the up, the in and the out, the inhale and the exhale to bring ourselves into greater balance, harmony and then eventually union and merger with the universal (bad word, but no word can contain the true meaning).
In the physical practice, each asana contains within it the duality. You cannot do a split, which may be imagined as the extreme of outward projection of flexibility without energy drawing in to contain the stretch of the hamstrings. That's not ture. you can do a split without any energy drawing in. You cannot do Hanumanasana, in the yogic sense without that inward energy. And likely, if you never draw energy in while working at the extremes of flexibility, you will end up injured.
The practice however that Patabjali was referring to was not the physical practice of yoga. It was not hatha yoga specifically at all. It is any form of union. And in such a case, it is not really about the body, at least not specifically about the body.
In this case he is referring to negative thought forms. But as we go deeper into understanding, we dismantle the concept of negative and positive. But what is really important is that to reach the state of union, or balance, when anything is out of balance, we keep it in check with the opposite. We cultivate the opposite in our energy and in our life.
I was teaching the other day, and had arrived just on time for the class. There were no students at the time, which I had anticipated, so I had not left my house early. But knowing my responsibility, I rushed to get to the class, pedaling quite vigorously, and with an anxiety that I would be late. I had a moment to settle, and then students came into the class. About halfway through I felt the energy of the room still in a kind of manic, racey state. This is where the sutra became resonant. We were off balance, wobbling on one leg because we were not grounded. And so after struggling with tree pose, we lay down on the floor, to work with the legs there. Instantly then energy shifted, the breath got deeper, and we all seemed to "land" differently. We worked back up slowly, having deepened into the connection to the legs and feet. The second time around, some minutes later, the tree pose was steadier, the breath was deeper and the entire room was more concentrated and settled.
It is true on the mat, and it is true in life, that as we get out of balance in one direction, it is often helpful to cultivate the opposite. It is not a case of trying to eliminate or create a problem out of the state of imbalance. It is just that we constantly need to be brought back to the centre.
Tree pose is a great example, as is any balancing pose, even Tadasana. When standing, the muscles in the foot, ankle and lower leg are never static. They are constantly shifting and responding to the tiny movements of the body. To maintain balance, we don't fight or resist this process and force rigidity. We let the body naturally balance itself through the activation of opposing energy.
Balance is never static. As I imagine the feelings of union and connection and oneness to be as well. There is a constant "small dance" (a phrase used in contact improvisation) as weight shifts. So as we fall out of balance, in a pose, or in life, the ha-tha of yoga is cultivation of the opposing energy.
vitarka badhane pratipaksha bhavanam
om tat sat.
om shanti.
peace.
Friday 1 July 2011
thank you
still this month sitting has been difficult. this morning i had plenty of time, and yet, a 45 minute sit, which a few months ago would have been easy, felt so challenging. just to get through.
today i sat with a kind of sadness in my heart. there is no reason for it, but it is the sensation that arose. it does from time to time, sitting, walking down the street, in my bed at night, in my practice, in the middle of conversation. sometimes it disguises itself as reaction to a circumstance in the life. but i am beginning to see it for what it is, part of my human condition.
today i sat with dear friend lila in the park for a while. she spoke of her own underlying sensation. maybe it is part of many of our experiences in this life. this feeling of separation. we look to heal it, or soothe it, or numb it in so many ways, some with a path of yoga, or meditation, or sport, or art, some with an addiction to drugs, or sex, or activity, some with jobs and ambition, some with painkillers. i am not sure if everyone has it, though i imagine most of us do in varying degrees.
what we spoke of this afternoon, as the heat of the sun beat down, and then abruptly withdrew behind clouds, is the knoweldge that this, whatever it is, this moment, this emotion, this humanness, is no problem. like deeply, truly, really, really, really no problem. for me, that understanding exists on one level, but has not filtered down through the strata of my being to the deepest layers. still when i wake up sad, i want something to make it go away. to heal it, to clear it. i sit, i practice, i look for friends, i make plans. anything.
today i woke up sad, but today i am also not seeking. there is nothing to heal. there is nothing to do. there is nothing to become, to clear, to fix, to understand. today i miss you in my life. but that is because you were a relief. today i ache for love. but that is because love soothes the ache. today i sit in the almost tears.
today i think of a quote i read not long ago. 'people who love the divine go around with a hole inside their hearts. that hole is called the universe.'
there is no problem. so sadness comes, and so does joy. so loss comes, and so does love. so sunshine comes, and so does rain.
thank you. thank you lila, for being and sitting in the sunshine. thank you for your patience with my racing dancing mind. thank you for the mirror to see the challenges i create. and thank you for the power to accept that all this is, and none of it needs to change, to be healed, to be offered, to be anything.
may all beings know peace. may this practice contribute to the well being of all.
om tat sat.
om shanti.
peace.
today i sat with a kind of sadness in my heart. there is no reason for it, but it is the sensation that arose. it does from time to time, sitting, walking down the street, in my bed at night, in my practice, in the middle of conversation. sometimes it disguises itself as reaction to a circumstance in the life. but i am beginning to see it for what it is, part of my human condition.
today i sat with dear friend lila in the park for a while. she spoke of her own underlying sensation. maybe it is part of many of our experiences in this life. this feeling of separation. we look to heal it, or soothe it, or numb it in so many ways, some with a path of yoga, or meditation, or sport, or art, some with an addiction to drugs, or sex, or activity, some with jobs and ambition, some with painkillers. i am not sure if everyone has it, though i imagine most of us do in varying degrees.
what we spoke of this afternoon, as the heat of the sun beat down, and then abruptly withdrew behind clouds, is the knoweldge that this, whatever it is, this moment, this emotion, this humanness, is no problem. like deeply, truly, really, really, really no problem. for me, that understanding exists on one level, but has not filtered down through the strata of my being to the deepest layers. still when i wake up sad, i want something to make it go away. to heal it, to clear it. i sit, i practice, i look for friends, i make plans. anything.
today i woke up sad, but today i am also not seeking. there is nothing to heal. there is nothing to do. there is nothing to become, to clear, to fix, to understand. today i miss you in my life. but that is because you were a relief. today i ache for love. but that is because love soothes the ache. today i sit in the almost tears.
today i think of a quote i read not long ago. 'people who love the divine go around with a hole inside their hearts. that hole is called the universe.'
there is no problem. so sadness comes, and so does joy. so loss comes, and so does love. so sunshine comes, and so does rain.
thank you. thank you lila, for being and sitting in the sunshine. thank you for your patience with my racing dancing mind. thank you for the mirror to see the challenges i create. and thank you for the power to accept that all this is, and none of it needs to change, to be healed, to be offered, to be anything.
may all beings know peace. may this practice contribute to the well being of all.
om tat sat.
om shanti.
peace.
Saturday 28 May 2011
nervous system
not sleeping well. not sitting well. hmmm...
I was listening to a lecture by Psychotherapist, Therapeutic Yogi and teacher Bo Forbes this morning. It was about the intersection of yoga and neuroscience. She is very knowledgeable and it is not really for me to reiterate what she has said.
However, what I was reminded of this morning is the interconnection between body and mind, more specifically that when the nervous system is in a state of engagement, the fight/flight/freeze instinct starts to kick in. The way that I notice this is that my mind starts plotting all kinds of strategies, exit strategies, conversations, plans, all kinds of things. I was so distracted by such thoughts this morning that I could not hardly sit.
But what is interesting is I am not practicing my physical yoga well either. Sometimes when I find it hard to sit it is because the body has excess physical energy that needs to be burned off (or so I think) and thus it is hard to sit until that energy is used. In such cases yoga serves as a preparation for meditation.
But right now that is not the case. Physical energy moves on the bike. But, my practice feels weaker than usual, erratic, and unconcentrated. Both the mind and body are in that maniacal state.
It is not all bad. This time is full of planning, imagining, visioning life into existence. And so that positive racing mind is useful, in a way, to those thought processes. But it just won't stop. Or when it does, it screeches to a halt in the form of absolute exhaustion. Not how I really want to be living.
So what the lecture reminded me is that the agitation of the nervous system, even through sitting keeps this energy going. I suppose sitting meditation, for the moment will have to take a back seat to some restorative work, where the body can truly, truly, release and relax.
The other part of this post comes from a reflection on watching a friend prepare for some travels. He is packing his life full of activities, wanting to get just one more session in before he goes, or just do one more workshop, see this person, etc. It struck me that I live like that a lot. Trying to squeeze, trying to hold, not wanting to let one more day go by without, etc. A phrase said to me by a dear old friend came to mind. I said it to him, as I say it to myself, as I say it to you.
You have everything that you need.
And I do. So this evening, tomorrow, bank holiday/memorial day monday will be coming to rest in that knowledge. There is nothing more needed. Energy flows, so I do not need to grasp at it. It comes, it moves, it supports me. I have everything that I need. We all have everything that we need.
Maybe that will allow this nervous system to calm and mind to steady. That would be welcome.
Om Tat Sat.
Om Shanti.
Peace.
I was listening to a lecture by Psychotherapist, Therapeutic Yogi and teacher Bo Forbes this morning. It was about the intersection of yoga and neuroscience. She is very knowledgeable and it is not really for me to reiterate what she has said.
However, what I was reminded of this morning is the interconnection between body and mind, more specifically that when the nervous system is in a state of engagement, the fight/flight/freeze instinct starts to kick in. The way that I notice this is that my mind starts plotting all kinds of strategies, exit strategies, conversations, plans, all kinds of things. I was so distracted by such thoughts this morning that I could not hardly sit.
But what is interesting is I am not practicing my physical yoga well either. Sometimes when I find it hard to sit it is because the body has excess physical energy that needs to be burned off (or so I think) and thus it is hard to sit until that energy is used. In such cases yoga serves as a preparation for meditation.
But right now that is not the case. Physical energy moves on the bike. But, my practice feels weaker than usual, erratic, and unconcentrated. Both the mind and body are in that maniacal state.
It is not all bad. This time is full of planning, imagining, visioning life into existence. And so that positive racing mind is useful, in a way, to those thought processes. But it just won't stop. Or when it does, it screeches to a halt in the form of absolute exhaustion. Not how I really want to be living.
So what the lecture reminded me is that the agitation of the nervous system, even through sitting keeps this energy going. I suppose sitting meditation, for the moment will have to take a back seat to some restorative work, where the body can truly, truly, release and relax.
The other part of this post comes from a reflection on watching a friend prepare for some travels. He is packing his life full of activities, wanting to get just one more session in before he goes, or just do one more workshop, see this person, etc. It struck me that I live like that a lot. Trying to squeeze, trying to hold, not wanting to let one more day go by without, etc. A phrase said to me by a dear old friend came to mind. I said it to him, as I say it to myself, as I say it to you.
You have everything that you need.
And I do. So this evening, tomorrow, bank holiday/memorial day monday will be coming to rest in that knowledge. There is nothing more needed. Energy flows, so I do not need to grasp at it. It comes, it moves, it supports me. I have everything that I need. We all have everything that we need.
Maybe that will allow this nervous system to calm and mind to steady. That would be welcome.
Om Tat Sat.
Om Shanti.
Peace.
Monday 23 May 2011
Upcoming
Lots of exciting things coming up, starting with this one. Watch this space.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.
Om Shanti.
Peace.
Friday 13 May 2011
breathe and breathe again
I am constantly amazed by how insights in my life are given to me on the yoga mat. And how, as my practice develops physically, so I develop spiritually. What a great gift.
In the last week, I have had the good fortune to practice with some of London’s most advanced yoga practitioners. I have also started to change the pace of my own practice, slowing down to honestly and precisely match movements to the speed of the breath. Both of these experiences have shown me truly what happens when I get into the depth of the breathing pattern. Physical impossibilities become more possible.
But it is not only advancing the asana that interests me. Earlier this week, a series of circumstances left me feeling completely overwhelmed, the bigness of the city and the world and the projects at hand. Feeling slightly fragile, I was overcome with the feeling, “I cannot do this alone”. At first it sort of attached to a need for someone to help me. But after some time, it dawned on me that that feeling, “I cannot do this alone” is when the space for grace enters.
It is when I can truly let universal energy sustain me, not my own supposed strength. This is great trust and great surrender. In that moment, I became deeply present to the way breath, and therefore prana or life force energy come into me, move through me, and emanate from me, without me doing. That breath is the life energy, the sustenance to move, and a power much greater than myself to create on the earth.
I have been doing my yoga practice with a certain depth of breath, and a certain level of muscular effort. I feel generally strong and capable. The realisation was that if breath can get deeper, I don’t need to do quite so much. I don't need to be strong. It is done through me. And with that understanding, I was doing more advanced asana, with greater ease than before.
So it will be my project to explore that depth of breath, the depth of my ability to receive and let go into the energy that flows through me. To let my head, my strength, my drive, all take a rest, and see what unfolds in that deep place.
In my class, I choose a theme for each month. May’s theme has been supporting the heart. What better support than to rest in the great arms of the universe, to let go, to breathe and be held. June will continue this theme, with deeper exploration of the breath, the breath connected to bandha, and the breath connected to presence within the asana practice.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.
Om Shanti.
In the last week, I have had the good fortune to practice with some of London’s most advanced yoga practitioners. I have also started to change the pace of my own practice, slowing down to honestly and precisely match movements to the speed of the breath. Both of these experiences have shown me truly what happens when I get into the depth of the breathing pattern. Physical impossibilities become more possible.
But it is not only advancing the asana that interests me. Earlier this week, a series of circumstances left me feeling completely overwhelmed, the bigness of the city and the world and the projects at hand. Feeling slightly fragile, I was overcome with the feeling, “I cannot do this alone”. At first it sort of attached to a need for someone to help me. But after some time, it dawned on me that that feeling, “I cannot do this alone” is when the space for grace enters.
It is when I can truly let universal energy sustain me, not my own supposed strength. This is great trust and great surrender. In that moment, I became deeply present to the way breath, and therefore prana or life force energy come into me, move through me, and emanate from me, without me doing. That breath is the life energy, the sustenance to move, and a power much greater than myself to create on the earth.
I have been doing my yoga practice with a certain depth of breath, and a certain level of muscular effort. I feel generally strong and capable. The realisation was that if breath can get deeper, I don’t need to do quite so much. I don't need to be strong. It is done through me. And with that understanding, I was doing more advanced asana, with greater ease than before.
So it will be my project to explore that depth of breath, the depth of my ability to receive and let go into the energy that flows through me. To let my head, my strength, my drive, all take a rest, and see what unfolds in that deep place.
In my class, I choose a theme for each month. May’s theme has been supporting the heart. What better support than to rest in the great arms of the universe, to let go, to breathe and be held. June will continue this theme, with deeper exploration of the breath, the breath connected to bandha, and the breath connected to presence within the asana practice.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.
Om Shanti.
Friday 6 May 2011
national unity
i'm just sayin'...
i know that a royal wedding is a sort of flimsy excuse for flag waving and national unity and pride, but at the moment I much prefer it over a vengeful and only semi-legal assassination.
i'll celebrate love over hate, and peace over violence any day.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.
Stand for peace.
Om Shanti.
i know that a royal wedding is a sort of flimsy excuse for flag waving and national unity and pride, but at the moment I much prefer it over a vengeful and only semi-legal assassination.
i'll celebrate love over hate, and peace over violence any day.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.
Stand for peace.
Om Shanti.
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