July is like a blackberry bush. Or, maybe this july was a blackberry bush.
The theme for July was making space. Coming out of June which focused on energy consolidation for power, the opening to length and grace, within the body and within the practice was the energy I began cultivating. There were many great lessons that happened this month, in those two threads, on and off the mat. There were more emotions and depths of emotions that I have never felt before. There were also more stars than I have seen in a long while.
Early in the month, I went to a class in which the teacher suggested (during warrior two) that the body should be hard on the outside and soft on the inside. I found this image very difficult to relate to, besides that I was not sure how to achieve it, and decided I had to disagree with that image and think through the strength aspect of the postures in a different way. I notice in my students that if they think 'hard' the body stiffens. When I look at the hands or arms, in say warrior 2, the energy blocks in the extremities. The muscles over grip and bind the energy inward. Besides being inefficient energetically, this pattern reinforces the stress patterns in the life. As the muscles harden around the bones, the arms become heavy, so the muscles work harder, so everything descends into struggle and strain.
There is another way possible. I have been working more with lunges these last weeks than warrior two, so the arms extend straight up from the shoulders. Instead of holding the arms, what if they are tossed up towards the sun? Not pulled (which tends to draw the shoulders up), not reaching (which encourages a sort of exteriority which I am not opposed to but just not exactly working with at the moment), and certainly not held. As the arms toss up into the space, it is like the energy from within can fountain up. But it also makes incredible space for the great energetic boomerang to allow energy to flow back in. If I release what my arms hold in them, then they become like antennae to heaven drawing energy back in. Arm bone floats in shoulder joint and holding the arms for longer becomes more ease-y.
Of course these images work for 5 breath, 8 breath, 10 breath postures in a vinyasa practice. But the end of the month saw the Kundalini festival with meditations for 11, 22, 31 or 62 minutes often with the arms involved. The question is, do the same principles apply?
One of my recent practices has been the Reverse Adi Shakti Kriya or the Kriya for Self Love.
http://www.pinklotus.org/KY%20KRI/KRI%20KY%20kriya/Reverse%20Adi%20Shakti%20Kriya.pdf
I will spare re-articulating the entire kriya. In the Kriya the right arm is held above the head for 11 minutes. The breath pattern is slow deep breath building up to a one minute breath: 20 second inhale, 20 second hold, 20 second exhale. I practiced the kriya a number of times, and the image that helped me stabilize the arm above the head is that the hand is resting on the auric field. It is not held up in space, but resting on the energy. The slow deep breathing creates the sense that the body and the auric field are expanding and thus the hand rests easily. Then one time I forgot to consciously practice the breathing pattern. The arm felt like lead after a few short minutes. What it showed me was that the image of making space within allows the body to find the energy to support itself (or be supported) without holding. The musculature of the body becomes like sails in the wind. The amount of tension, as determined by the body positioning or energetic investment in the pose can effect how much energy the body can catch and then carry itself with.
There came another great lesson however this month from the 3 day White Tantra practice. The meditations were all either 31 or 62 minutes, with a partner, either looking into the eyes or eyes closed but holding the space between. For one, the ordinary Anjali Mudra (prayer pose) was joined together: so my hand, his hand, my hand, his hand. Anjali Mudra is fairly effortless as a pose individually. As we put our hands together, I could feel the work and effort of trying and holding the hands up coming in. As we held the position 62 minutes, this became quite tiring. It was my practice to keep making space within myself, to make my hands as light as possible, to let them float so there would be no need to hold and bind the hands in the air. What flooded into me was the sense of love. That loving is not holding onto, or holding up, but making space for. That love is feeling the struggle and channeling it through, not taking it on. That love is bearing witness to all that comes, from the resistances and griping, to the fear and shutting down, to the release and all its bliss. And the love is trusting being held, trusting the energy to be there so that you don't need to make it and force it, knowing it is within you at all times if you can let go enough to let it move itself.
July was a very thorny month. In my own process of making space, I uncovered deep rage, resistances to people, blockages in my heart, throat, intuition. Hatred for my own body and resistance to movement at all. And yet the movement came in. And the deep breath started to ache to expand more. And the love of the dear soul family tapped gently at the hearts walls. And it all started to move. I think I have understood for myself why the Reverse Adi shakti is for self love, because as we make space within ourselves for all that is when we become loving. That love need not be fixed to anyone or anything. It is suspending judgment and giving permission. Making space within is the act for me of self love. So July was a blackberry bush, with thorns and pains, but as the wind blew in, and I reached down, I ended up with the sweetness of the berries in the summer sun.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.
I am grateful for all the lessons this life and love in my life.
Peace to all, Light to all, Love to all.
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
Thursday, 1 July 2010
Jumps for June
I am so CORNY, I can't believe. But yes, here it is, the wrap up from jumps for June, our great theme of the month in my classes. Some really interesting things happened in my teaching and in my practice. What started as an exploration of lightness in the practice, of bandha and jumps forward and back became an exploration of the lower triangle of energy centres, root, sacral and naval chakras. In the practice it looked like the ha-tha of the openness and connection of hips, inner legs and mula bandha, and lower abdominal muscle wall. It looks like Titthibhasana, drawing in to lift up. It looks like deep straddles with pelvic and abdominal contractions like agni sara. It looks like I need rootedness with my hip opening, and flow with consolidation. It feels like power in the base to elevate to higher consciousness. It feels like I know what might come next.
So as June was consolidation in the lower triangle, July will be about making space, creating length.
Here is a flow as it came tonight:
This body. this space, this universe.
This site of interconnection.
This life energy pulsing.
This potential, this flow. In and out. In through body spaces and out through pores, that almost nonexistent boundary between you and all. It pours in, it seeps out.
This is life, this flow. This is space. This is you, which is not fixed but ever dynamic, ever potential, ever spacious if you feel its vastness.
Your body is a universe of space. Light years of space.
Feel yourself breathing into that space. breathing to expand that space. In this space you are completely yourself. without the limits of labels and thoughts, projections and identifications.
Take a moment to reflect on anything in your life that stops you from being exactly and completely yourself, and question whether you can move it, gently. in this space, nothing is permanent, nothing is fixed. We are dynamic and every changing, moment to moment, day to day, year to year. So what can be moved now, in this moment to create more space for you, yourself, that spirit, that Atma to make itself present and alive in this life.
This is my intention for July; length and space and truth and light. The long days of summer, the letting be, the letting grow. The who am I in all I do.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.
So as June was consolidation in the lower triangle, July will be about making space, creating length.
Here is a flow as it came tonight:
This body. this space, this universe.
This site of interconnection.
This life energy pulsing.
This potential, this flow. In and out. In through body spaces and out through pores, that almost nonexistent boundary between you and all. It pours in, it seeps out.
This is life, this flow. This is space. This is you, which is not fixed but ever dynamic, ever potential, ever spacious if you feel its vastness.
Your body is a universe of space. Light years of space.
Feel yourself breathing into that space. breathing to expand that space. In this space you are completely yourself. without the limits of labels and thoughts, projections and identifications.
Take a moment to reflect on anything in your life that stops you from being exactly and completely yourself, and question whether you can move it, gently. in this space, nothing is permanent, nothing is fixed. We are dynamic and every changing, moment to moment, day to day, year to year. So what can be moved now, in this moment to create more space for you, yourself, that spirit, that Atma to make itself present and alive in this life.
This is my intention for July; length and space and truth and light. The long days of summer, the letting be, the letting grow. The who am I in all I do.
Hari Om, Tat Sat.
Monday, 24 May 2010
Camel Pose
Here is an article I have written about Camel Pose for Yoga Abode.
Hari Om Tat Sat.
www.yoga-abode.com/practice/camel_pose_ushtrasana
Hari Om Tat Sat.
www.yoga-abode.com/practice/camel_pose_ushtrasana
Sunday, 9 May 2010
on creativity (or the wisdom that helped me stop pursuing dancing)
Since I was very young, dancing was the deep love of my life. It was central to my childhood and adolescence, and I developed the longing for it to be my profession. Especially since transitioning from ballet to contemporary dance, I though of my dancing as my artistry, and therefore my creativity.
What happened to me in the world of professional dance was that the energetic return on my energetic investment (to put it crudely) were never equal. Working for months on a project that got performed 3 times. Working unpaid, and missing other work. Doing shows that ended with nothing to show for them, not even photos or decent videos. Because of my identification of creativity and output, if the work didn't go anywhere, it invalidated me as a creative human being. Instead of feeding and nurturing and bringing joy to my life, the whole process became thankless and painful.
What I have come to understand is that being a creative human being has nothing do to with output. (The gesture here is like holding a round loaf of bread between the heart and navel centres)-> I am a creative person. You are a creative person. We all are creative beings. That is within us, and always will be. Artistic output is a separate quality than creativity, though it can at times be an indicator of creativity. Creativity is a quality of being, output is a result of action. At times it is difficult to dissociate those two, but with understanding that I am not what I do, it is completely possible to be creative in my existence (as all beings are) without producing any tangible results.
The other part of what I have learned, and what has made me let go of the profession of dance is that the energy was not supporting it. I (as in my ego that needed validation) was making work (often from my head pointing to some goal). I had dreams of recognition, "success", rockstardom. But there was not the energy to create that (neither my own, nor the universal energy). And so it had to be me motoring something forward, even when signs from withing me and without pointed to the ultimate futility of this way of operating. Or course when the ego which needs validation is put forward and fails to receive that validation, the pain is immense. As it was. As was the stress in the process.
What I am realizing now, and these written words are a part of it is my creative self likes expression, in written word, conversation and teaching, in movement and in yoga, in music made and heard. T/his expression need not be shared, but can be if that's where spirit leads. At the moment, I am playing lots of music, purely from the joy and beauty of sharing. I am writing not knowing who will read, and not caring but because there are thoughts in me that are longing for form. From that place, the energy is being created to play more, write more. Different possibilities are arising. But it is not through me doing anything but remaining open. And at the moment, it feels right to continue with them, because they are further opportunities to share the beauty that I feel playing, practicing and living.
I hold no illusions of an outcome, especially where music is concerned. I have no hope. All I know is that I am being supported in the expression, something that I have not felt when dancing for a long time if ever. And I know that if that energy reaches its finishing point, its peak or a place where it is no longer supported, it will end gracefully.
Creativity pervades. It is as essential as Atma, the eternal self, indeed it is a facet of that self. Output or manifestation can be a natural expression of that self, or it can be the ego. So for now, I have no eye to the future, I am just enjoying the connection of creativity to that soul within. I sing, I teach, I practice from that place. And in that I am touched by deep grace.
All my love and gratitude for these words that flow, this song that sings, this yoga that teaches.
Hari Om Tat Sat.
What happened to me in the world of professional dance was that the energetic return on my energetic investment (to put it crudely) were never equal. Working for months on a project that got performed 3 times. Working unpaid, and missing other work. Doing shows that ended with nothing to show for them, not even photos or decent videos. Because of my identification of creativity and output, if the work didn't go anywhere, it invalidated me as a creative human being. Instead of feeding and nurturing and bringing joy to my life, the whole process became thankless and painful.
What I have come to understand is that being a creative human being has nothing do to with output. (The gesture here is like holding a round loaf of bread between the heart and navel centres)-> I am a creative person. You are a creative person. We all are creative beings. That is within us, and always will be. Artistic output is a separate quality than creativity, though it can at times be an indicator of creativity. Creativity is a quality of being, output is a result of action. At times it is difficult to dissociate those two, but with understanding that I am not what I do, it is completely possible to be creative in my existence (as all beings are) without producing any tangible results.
The other part of what I have learned, and what has made me let go of the profession of dance is that the energy was not supporting it. I (as in my ego that needed validation) was making work (often from my head pointing to some goal). I had dreams of recognition, "success", rockstardom. But there was not the energy to create that (neither my own, nor the universal energy). And so it had to be me motoring something forward, even when signs from withing me and without pointed to the ultimate futility of this way of operating. Or course when the ego which needs validation is put forward and fails to receive that validation, the pain is immense. As it was. As was the stress in the process.
What I am realizing now, and these written words are a part of it is my creative self likes expression, in written word, conversation and teaching, in movement and in yoga, in music made and heard. T/his expression need not be shared, but can be if that's where spirit leads. At the moment, I am playing lots of music, purely from the joy and beauty of sharing. I am writing not knowing who will read, and not caring but because there are thoughts in me that are longing for form. From that place, the energy is being created to play more, write more. Different possibilities are arising. But it is not through me doing anything but remaining open. And at the moment, it feels right to continue with them, because they are further opportunities to share the beauty that I feel playing, practicing and living.
I hold no illusions of an outcome, especially where music is concerned. I have no hope. All I know is that I am being supported in the expression, something that I have not felt when dancing for a long time if ever. And I know that if that energy reaches its finishing point, its peak or a place where it is no longer supported, it will end gracefully.
Creativity pervades. It is as essential as Atma, the eternal self, indeed it is a facet of that self. Output or manifestation can be a natural expression of that self, or it can be the ego. So for now, I have no eye to the future, I am just enjoying the connection of creativity to that soul within. I sing, I teach, I practice from that place. And in that I am touched by deep grace.
All my love and gratitude for these words that flow, this song that sings, this yoga that teaches.
Hari Om Tat Sat.
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
Sunday, 28 March 2010
exodus
The full moon is tuesday, and the passover holiday. i haven't got any matzah and though I live amongst the Hasidim in Stamford hill, I feel like I am going to miss out on this holiday again this year. it is a reminder of distance from home and family, and for that i am a little sad. More than a little. I also feel the loss of this connection to my own history, and the breakdown of tradition. I suppose that is not all bad, but in the case of Pesach, I do feel like it is a loss.
As I reflect on the concept of Exodus this year, I cannot help but think of the huge changes that have happened in my life between these last two passovers. Last year, I was dancing a bit, but not really enjoying it anymore. I had a performance of sorts on the night of the first seder, and did not do the seder because of the show. I eventually regretted that, wished I had said my truth, and changed the time of the performance to facilitate the holiday. never mind. this year, i am well and truly alone, having gone through an exodus of sorts of my own. Have I reached the promised land, I do not know. I think the promised land is the fiction that keeps us moving somewhere, the illusion we must break down.
Exodus in theory represents the forces for change and the forces that resist change in every being. (by being, I mean entity. That is person, family, society, i suppose I don't know much about animals or amoeba, but i imagine that they have similar traits as well). Lucky are those of us who have a Pharoah outside of us to represent that resistence, because more often I believe that force comes from within. No matter how bad it is, somewhere inside is that part that says better the devil I know. At first he says yes, go. Get out. Move on. But then no. And every time comes the message, you cannot stay here. this is not the right thing. Growth must come, some way, some how. The cows die, but you resist and try to stay. The locusts come. But then comes the turning point, when enough is enough. This cannot be any more. But that force will chase us into the desert, that shadow, that part that says "stay enslaved. you are safe there. you know your place. you are needed. you belong." and then it takes a miracle. That magical door that only opens when you know you cannot look back. That red sea parting, that cross to the promised land. Again, lucky are the few whose demons are washed into the water. Lucky are those with a sea between them and the past that they cannot cross back over. and lucky are those who do not recreate their servitude on the other side of the waters.
So this passover, Looking back it has been a year, perhaps two of exodus(es). Personal, Social, Political. I have shed many things that were not serving my growth, painfully, dramatically, tragically and also beautifully. I have started to make moves forward, baby steps, towards living in a different way. Without the omnipresent fear. With aims that are bigger and more universal. In that I am aiming for a great parting of the seas, a great miracle to lead to wholeness, expansion, to be in the flow of life, which for me is living in the promised land.
Oh my soul, give me the light, show me the path. Give me the excellence and beauty to be bountiful, blissful, kind, compassionate and true to myself.
Hari Om Tat Sat.
As I reflect on the concept of Exodus this year, I cannot help but think of the huge changes that have happened in my life between these last two passovers. Last year, I was dancing a bit, but not really enjoying it anymore. I had a performance of sorts on the night of the first seder, and did not do the seder because of the show. I eventually regretted that, wished I had said my truth, and changed the time of the performance to facilitate the holiday. never mind. this year, i am well and truly alone, having gone through an exodus of sorts of my own. Have I reached the promised land, I do not know. I think the promised land is the fiction that keeps us moving somewhere, the illusion we must break down.
Exodus in theory represents the forces for change and the forces that resist change in every being. (by being, I mean entity. That is person, family, society, i suppose I don't know much about animals or amoeba, but i imagine that they have similar traits as well). Lucky are those of us who have a Pharoah outside of us to represent that resistence, because more often I believe that force comes from within. No matter how bad it is, somewhere inside is that part that says better the devil I know. At first he says yes, go. Get out. Move on. But then no. And every time comes the message, you cannot stay here. this is not the right thing. Growth must come, some way, some how. The cows die, but you resist and try to stay. The locusts come. But then comes the turning point, when enough is enough. This cannot be any more. But that force will chase us into the desert, that shadow, that part that says "stay enslaved. you are safe there. you know your place. you are needed. you belong." and then it takes a miracle. That magical door that only opens when you know you cannot look back. That red sea parting, that cross to the promised land. Again, lucky are the few whose demons are washed into the water. Lucky are those with a sea between them and the past that they cannot cross back over. and lucky are those who do not recreate their servitude on the other side of the waters.
So this passover, Looking back it has been a year, perhaps two of exodus(es). Personal, Social, Political. I have shed many things that were not serving my growth, painfully, dramatically, tragically and also beautifully. I have started to make moves forward, baby steps, towards living in a different way. Without the omnipresent fear. With aims that are bigger and more universal. In that I am aiming for a great parting of the seas, a great miracle to lead to wholeness, expansion, to be in the flow of life, which for me is living in the promised land.
Oh my soul, give me the light, show me the path. Give me the excellence and beauty to be bountiful, blissful, kind, compassionate and true to myself.
Hari Om Tat Sat.
Monday, 22 February 2010
February Love
I am not sure why, beside the obvious Valentines day 'holiday', but February seems to have taken on the role of the month of Love Awareness. The thematic of love seems to permeate our conversations, and certainly yoga classes, with many back bend themed classes appearing as 'heart openers' in this month. And though I do agree that backbends open the heart, there is a lot more at play in the practice of backbends than opening the heart. Similarly with love, the depth of the experience is heart centred, but then so much deeper with unfolding experience.
My teaching practice is my own best teacher, and this weekend, I had the opportunity to work with my favorite ever yoga student/teacher (we shift roles so fluidly between the two) who also happens to be my mother. I went to a few backbend focused classes, which I always find inspiring in my own body. What remains ever clearer to me is that if focused on opening the heart only, or bending the back only, a backbending practice will be short lived, either leading to limitations and discomfort or injury. In order for that practice there are other integral elements to the journey.
The first is grounding. The heart of course holds fear as well as love, fear which can be observed in one of two ways. The first are fears of the unknown, the unfamiliar, fears of letting the body or spirit journey into places it has not been. The second are fears that are signals from the body saying 'I am not strong enough,' 'I do not have my weight organized in the right way,' 'I do not have the resources to move into this safely.' etc. Backbends can bring up both of these fears. The natural fear of what we cannot see, what is behind us is a fear of the unfamiliar. On the other hand the fear of depth is often present because there is not the base level strength in the body to support the body moving into the backspace. Both of those fears can be worked through through grounding, activation of the feet, legs, thighs as the foundation for maintaining the body, the earthing that allows opening to happen safely and confidently.
The second is space. When one thinks only of moving backwards into backbends, generally it turns more into a crunch, with the lower back creasing and the upper back and shoulders going along for the ride, and then with the neck crunching back. The ego can feel quite satisfied by this situation, because the eyes send the signal that the backbend is deep, given that they are straining to extend away from the chest, chin, throat. This is where backbends lose their longevity. The fundamental principle to making the backbend safe is the space in the spine which allows the vertabrae to move along each other, rather than folding which pinches them against each other. As tailbone/sacrum and cervical spine/occiput move away from each other linearly first, the entire spine has the space to extend, from which the deep arc the full back 'bend' (which is not really a bend at all but an extension of the front surface/central facet of the spine) is possible. Deep back bends do appear as bends, with the tailbone and crown moving toward each other. The space allows the heart, which correlates to that internal/posterior side of the spine to open.
The third is growth. Following from the aspect of space, as we hold in the minds eye the feeling of extension and growth we create the space in the front body that the back body need not collapse on itself. We grow into extension as a great tree, as much as we grow up we grow down. But more than that, growth implies dierctionality and intention. So with the space we have created and the rootedness of the body, we can start to pull and lengthen even more deeply. Especially in the abdomen, as we collect and lengthen the ribs away from the pelvis, the linear elasticity of the flesh of the belly is activated. with the intention of growth, the transverse abdominals and psoas retain support, while the external surfaces stretch.
The last aspect of the moment is surrender. Oh my soul give me the light. My light.
This is an amazing surrender, because it requires us to trust our light, or radiance. if we hold within and lock down, in the ribs or throat or neck, the backbend becomes unattainable. We must face the fear of our own light, our own radiance and these oft protected places, the heart, the throat, the fronts of the hips open to incredible lengths.
But February is not about a backbend but about love, and my little life is doing some amazing teaching about the nature of love in this last year. Funny, or perhaps telling, that every aspect I see in the backbends is the same qualities needed in love.
Grounding. Space. Growth. Surrender.
As above, so below. Yoga on the mat, yoga off the mat.
What a gift it is to be alive.
Hari Om Tat Sat.
Om Shanti.
My teaching practice is my own best teacher, and this weekend, I had the opportunity to work with my favorite ever yoga student/teacher (we shift roles so fluidly between the two) who also happens to be my mother. I went to a few backbend focused classes, which I always find inspiring in my own body. What remains ever clearer to me is that if focused on opening the heart only, or bending the back only, a backbending practice will be short lived, either leading to limitations and discomfort or injury. In order for that practice there are other integral elements to the journey.
The first is grounding. The heart of course holds fear as well as love, fear which can be observed in one of two ways. The first are fears of the unknown, the unfamiliar, fears of letting the body or spirit journey into places it has not been. The second are fears that are signals from the body saying 'I am not strong enough,' 'I do not have my weight organized in the right way,' 'I do not have the resources to move into this safely.' etc. Backbends can bring up both of these fears. The natural fear of what we cannot see, what is behind us is a fear of the unfamiliar. On the other hand the fear of depth is often present because there is not the base level strength in the body to support the body moving into the backspace. Both of those fears can be worked through through grounding, activation of the feet, legs, thighs as the foundation for maintaining the body, the earthing that allows opening to happen safely and confidently.
The second is space. When one thinks only of moving backwards into backbends, generally it turns more into a crunch, with the lower back creasing and the upper back and shoulders going along for the ride, and then with the neck crunching back. The ego can feel quite satisfied by this situation, because the eyes send the signal that the backbend is deep, given that they are straining to extend away from the chest, chin, throat. This is where backbends lose their longevity. The fundamental principle to making the backbend safe is the space in the spine which allows the vertabrae to move along each other, rather than folding which pinches them against each other. As tailbone/sacrum and cervical spine/occiput move away from each other linearly first, the entire spine has the space to extend, from which the deep arc the full back 'bend' (which is not really a bend at all but an extension of the front surface/central facet of the spine) is possible. Deep back bends do appear as bends, with the tailbone and crown moving toward each other. The space allows the heart, which correlates to that internal/posterior side of the spine to open.
The third is growth. Following from the aspect of space, as we hold in the minds eye the feeling of extension and growth we create the space in the front body that the back body need not collapse on itself. We grow into extension as a great tree, as much as we grow up we grow down. But more than that, growth implies dierctionality and intention. So with the space we have created and the rootedness of the body, we can start to pull and lengthen even more deeply. Especially in the abdomen, as we collect and lengthen the ribs away from the pelvis, the linear elasticity of the flesh of the belly is activated. with the intention of growth, the transverse abdominals and psoas retain support, while the external surfaces stretch.
The last aspect of the moment is surrender. Oh my soul give me the light. My light.
This is an amazing surrender, because it requires us to trust our light, or radiance. if we hold within and lock down, in the ribs or throat or neck, the backbend becomes unattainable. We must face the fear of our own light, our own radiance and these oft protected places, the heart, the throat, the fronts of the hips open to incredible lengths.
But February is not about a backbend but about love, and my little life is doing some amazing teaching about the nature of love in this last year. Funny, or perhaps telling, that every aspect I see in the backbends is the same qualities needed in love.
Grounding. Space. Growth. Surrender.
As above, so below. Yoga on the mat, yoga off the mat.
What a gift it is to be alive.
Hari Om Tat Sat.
Om Shanti.
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