one symptom

It has been a really interesting week. Deeply transformational. And very simple.

I have been in a process these last months of evaluating my life, and coming to terms with the reality of my career path, and approaching the whole thing differently. Soon my website will be up, soon there will be some timetable changes, etc. But in the process, I have been through some of the difficulty that change brings. Fear and anxiety so strong I shook physically and also manifested as a mentality of scarcity and attachment with a grabbing 'in the supermarket hungry' sort of lack of discrimination. Some incredibly difficult moments of panic deep and gripping inside my belly and heart. Wow. And then physical symptoms, joints that ached red and didn't want to move. Stiffness, hypersensitivity, bad skin, spaciness, etc.

On Monday I decided enough was enough and decided to do a small fast on fruits and vegetables, but mostly juice. Within about 12 hours everything started to shift.

Yes, I think the diet change made a huge difference. (And I think I can start to acknowledge that I am intolerant to wheat.) But in a way food choice was a symptom of the scarcity mentality, that i was deciding not based on what my body wanted, but on what was less expensive. In my case, it doesn't turn into fast food, or processed food. But it does turn into starchy, bready, etc. Food I don't really like, but take because it will fill me up. And sweet things (which I do like) that I eat out of addictive patterns and instant "gratification".

Which is really a metaphor for accepting second best, even accepting that which is toxic in order to save a few pennies. The essence of scarcity mentality.

So choosing to eat veg and fruit was a number of things. Besides being cleansing, it also was an affirmation inside that what is most important is caring for myself, and that I trust in the abundance of the universe to support my health through the food I eat. I chose based on what will feel good, what will be healing and nurturing, there is enough money for good food. There is good healthy food I can eat within my budget.

In a way, the one gesture cleared the symptoms, but went much deeper, into the root of the "i'll just take what is given" mentality. Into the lack of discrimination mentality. Into the not caring for myself well mentality. And that one action seems to have expanded hugely into all areas of my life.

I am very happy to feel physically better. Wow, its an amazing difference. And I know it comes from the food, and what it represents, the choice to nurture and heal myself through my own choices in this life.

What amazes me most is that I had felt so deep in the anxiety, that for weeks I couldn't see how to make the choice to move out of it. I knew it was creating the landscape of my life at the moment, but I couldn't imagine how to shift it. It was just the choice to change one symptom, one little thing, that seems to have cascaded into the very big thing.

Some of the work I am doing now revolves around addressing and changing belief patterns. I guess in one way what I learned is that sometimes the huge shift comes from a very little change. If I fixate on the big picture, I may not know where to go. But maybe I can make a tiny step, or change one tiny thing, and see where that one change leads.
Feels humbling and empowering. Feels like where this is all going.
Thank you for the challenge and inspiration to grow.
Om Tat sat.
Om Shanti.
Peace.