thank you

still this month sitting has been difficult. this morning i had plenty of time, and yet, a 45 minute sit, which a few months ago would have been easy, felt so challenging. just to get through.

today i sat with a kind of sadness in my heart. there is no reason for it, but it is the sensation that arose. it does from time to time, sitting, walking down the street, in my bed at night, in my practice, in the middle of conversation. sometimes it disguises itself as reaction to a circumstance in the life. but i am beginning to see it for what it is, part of my human condition.

today i sat with dear friend lila in the park for a while. she spoke of her own underlying sensation. maybe it is part of many of our experiences in this life. this feeling of separation. we look to heal it, or soothe it, or numb it in so many ways, some with a path of yoga, or meditation, or sport, or art, some with an addiction to drugs, or sex, or activity, some with jobs and ambition, some with painkillers. i am not sure if everyone has it, though i imagine most of us do in varying degrees.

what we spoke of this afternoon, as the heat of the sun beat down, and then abruptly withdrew behind clouds, is the knoweldge that this, whatever it is, this moment, this emotion, this humanness, is no problem. like deeply, truly, really, really, really no problem. for me, that understanding exists on one level, but has not filtered down through the strata of my being to the deepest layers. still when i wake up sad, i want something to make it go away. to heal it, to clear it. i sit, i practice, i look for friends, i make plans. anything.

today i woke up sad, but today i am also not seeking. there is nothing to heal. there is nothing to do. there is nothing to become, to clear, to fix, to understand. today i miss you in my life. but that is because you were a relief. today i ache for love. but that is because love soothes the ache. today i sit in the almost tears.

today i think of a quote i read not long ago. 'people who love the divine go around with a hole inside their hearts. that hole is called the universe.'

there is no problem. so sadness comes, and so does joy. so loss comes, and so does love. so sunshine comes, and so does rain.

thank you. thank you lila, for being and sitting in the sunshine. thank you for your patience with my racing dancing mind. thank you for the mirror to see the challenges i create. and thank you for the power to accept that all this is, and none of it needs to change, to be healed, to be offered, to be anything.

may all beings know peace. may this practice contribute to the well being of all.
om tat sat.
om shanti.
peace.